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DANDY DICK 



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BY ^/ 

ARTHUR PINERO 



AUTHOR OF "SWEET LAVENDER," "THE TIMES," "THE CABINET MINISTER, 
" LADY BOUNTIFUL," ETC. 



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NEW YORK 

UNITED STATES BOOK COMPANY 

5 and 7 East Sixteenth Street 



Chicago : 266 & 263 Wabash Ave. 



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Copyright, 1893, BV 
ARTHUR PINERO 

[.-J// r/^^ reserved} 



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INTRODUCTORY NOTE. 

" Dandy Dick " was the third of the farces which 
Mr. Pinero wrote for the old Court Theatre — a series 
of plays which, besides giving playgoers a fresh 
source of laughter, and the English stage a new 
order of comic play, brought plentiful prosperity to 
the joint management of Mr. Arthur Cecil and the 
late Mr. John Clayton. But a kind of melancholy 
interest attaches to " Dandy Dick," for this play was, 
as it were, the swan-song of the old theatre and of 
the Clayton and Cecil partnership ; and it was the 
piece in which Mr. Clayton was acting when death 
overtook him, to the general grief. 

The production of "Dandy Dick" may be con- 
sidered as something of a tour deforce in its way. 
" The Schoolmistress " was at the end of its success- 
ful run, and Mr. Pinero was under contract to supply 
its successor by a certain date, when Mr. Clayton 
one day went down to Brighton, where the dramatist 
was then at work, to hear him read the two com- 
pleted acts of the new play. To Mr. Clayton's con- 
sternation, however, Mr. Pinero announced that he 
was dissatisfied with his work, and proposed to begin 
an entirely new play, as he had a more promising 



G INTR OB UCTOR Y NOTE. 

idea. But time was pressing, and a successor to 
" The Schoolmistress " was an immediate necessity. 
However, Mr. Pinero's idea of writing a play round 
a dean, who, while being a paragon of dignity and 
decorum, should be driven by an indiscreet act into a 
most undignified dilemma, appealed to Mr. Clayton, 
and hastening back to London with the sketches for 
the requisite scenes, he left Mr. Pinero to set to work 
at once upon the new scheme. And within a few 
weeks, indeed by the time the scenery was ready, 
the new play was completed, the rural constable of 
a village adjacent to Brighton having suggested the 
character of Noah Topping. 

" Dandy Dick " was produced at the Court Theatre 
on January 27th, 1887, and, meeting with a most 
favorable initial reception, it settled down imme- 
diately into a complete success. The following is 
a copy of the first-night programme : — 

ROYAL COURT THEATRE, 

SLOANE SQUARE, S.W. 

Lessee* and Managers : 
Mr. John Clayton and Mr. Arthur Cecil. 



Programme 

THIS EVENING, THURSDAY, JANUARY 27, 

At 8.30 punctually, 



INTRODUCTORY NOTE. 
DANDY DICK. 

AN ORIGINAL FARCE, IN THREE ACTS, 

BY 

A. W. PINERO. 



The Very Rev. Augustin Jedd, 

D.D. (Dean of St. Marvell's) . . 

Sir Tristram Mardon, Bart . . . 

— th Hussars 



Major Tarver 
Mr. Darbey 



quartered at 
Durnstone, 
near St. Mar- 
vell's 

Blore (Butler at the Deanery) . 

Noah Topping (Constable at St. 
Marvell's) 

Hatcham (Sir Tristram's groom) 

Georgiana Tidman (a Widow, the 
Dean's sister) . 

Salome 



Sheba 



the Dean' s Daughters 



Hannah Topping (formerly in Ser- 
vice at the Deanery) . 



Mr. John Clayton. 
Mr. Edmund Maurice. 

Mr. F. Kerr. 

Mr, IT. Eversfield. 

Mr. Arthur Cecil. 

Mr. W. H. Denny. 
Mr. W. Lugg. 

Mrs. John Wood. 
Miss Marie Lewes. 
Miss Norreys. 

Miss Laura Linden. 



ACT I. 

AT THE DEANERY, ST. MARVELL'S 
(Morning.) 



ACT II. 

THE SAME PLACE. 
(Evening.) 



INTR OD UCTOR Y NO TE. 

ACT III.— The Next Day. 

Scene 1: — " The Strong L'o.r," St. MarvelVs. 
Scene 2. — The Deanery again. 

The curtain will be lowered for a few minutes between the 
two scenes. 



New Scenery by Mb. T. W. Hall, 



Preceded, at Eight o'clock, by 

"THE NETTLE." 

An Original Comedietta by ERNEST WARREN. 

"Dandy Dick" was performed 171 times between 
the first night and the 22d of July, when, the old 
theatre being demolished, Mr. Clayton took a tem- 
porary lease of Toole's Theatre, and transferred the 
play thither, where it ran 75 nights more. 

A company had already been sent out, under the 
auspices of the Court management, to perform 
" Dandy Dick " in the provinces ; but, when the play 
was withdrawn from the London boards, Mr. Clay- 
ton set out himself with a company, and it was 
during this tour that he died at Liverpool. 

In America Mr. Daly produced " Dandy Dick." 
with Miss Ada Rehan in Mrs. John Wood's part, 
but no very great success was achieved ; whereas in 
Australia its reception was so enthusiastic that it 



INTRODUCTORY NOTE. 9 

ran for quite an unusual time both in Melbourne and 
Sydney. In the character of the Dean, Mr. G. W. 
Anson achieved perhaps the greatest of his Austra- 
lian successes, and Mr. Robert Brough made his 
mark as the policeman. 

Malcolm C. Salaman. 
Ddcember, 1892. 



DANDY DICK. 



THE FIRST ACT. 

The morning-room in the Deanery of St. Mdrvells, 
with a large arched opening leading to the library 
on the right, and a deeply-recessed window open- 
ing out to the garden on the left. It is a bright 
spring morning, and an air of comfort and 
serenity pervades the place. 

Salome, a tall, handsome, dark girl, of about three- 
a i id-twenty, is sitting with her elbows resting on 
her knees, staring wildly into vacancy. Siieba, 
a fair little girl of about seventeen, wearing short 
petticoats, shares her despondency, and lies pros- 
trate upon the settee. 

Salome. 
Oh ! oh my ! oh my ! oh my ! 

Sheba. 
[/Sitting upright.'] Oh, my gracious goodness, good- 
ness gracious me ! [ They both walk about excitedly. 

Salome. 
There's only one terrible word for it — it's a fix ! 

Sheba. 
It's worse than that ! It's a scrape ! How did 
you ever get led into it? 



12 BANDY DICK. 

Salome. 
How did we get led into it ? Halves, Sheba, please. 

SlIEBA. 

It was Major Tarver's proposal, and I believe, 
Salome, that it is to you Major Tarver is paying 
attention. 

Salome. 

The Fancy Dress Masked Ball at Durnstone is pro- 
moted by the Officers of the Hussars. I believe that 
the young gentleman you have impressed calls him- 
self an officer, though lie is merely a lieutenant. 

Siieba. 
[Indignantly.'] Mr. Darbey is certainly an officer — 
a small officer. How dare you gird at me, Salome? 

Salome. 
Very well, then. When to-night we appear at the 
Durnstone AthenaBum, unknown to dear Papa, on 
the arms of Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey, I consider 
that we shall be equally wicked. Oh, how can we 
be so wrong ? 

Siieba. 
Well, we're not wrong yet. We're only going to 
be wrong; that's a very different matter. 

Salome. 
That's true. Besides, there's this to remember — 
we're inexperienced girls and have only dear Papa. 
But oh, now that the Ball is to-night, I repent, Sheba, 
I repent ! 

Sheba. 
I sha'n't do that till to-morrow. But oh, how I 
shall repent to-morrow! 



DANDY DICK. 13 

Salome. 
\_TaTdng tin enveldpefrom her pocket, and almost 
crying.] You'd repent now if you had seen the 
account for the fancy dresses. 

Sheba. 
Has it come in ? 

Salome. 
Yes, the Major enclosed it to me this morning. 
You know, Sheba, Major Tarver promised to get the 
dresses made in London, so I gave him our brown 
paper patterns to send to the coat ami or. 

Sheba. 
[Shocked.] Oh, Salome, do you think he quizzed 
them? 

Salome. 
No ; I sealed them up and marked outside " To 
be opened only by a lady." 

Sheba. 
That's all right. I hate the plan of myself in 
brown paper. 

Salome. 
Well, of course Major Tarver begged to be allowed 
to pay for the dresses, and I said I couldn't dream of 
permitting it, and then he said he should be most 
unhappy if he didn't, and, just as I thought he was 
going to have feis v, [bursting into tears] he 

cheered up and said he'd yield to a lady. [ Taking 
a large account from the envelope?^ And oh ! he's 
yielded. 

Sheba. 
Read it ! Don't spare me ! 



14 DANDY DICK. 

Salome. 
[Reading.'] " Debtor to Lewis Isaacs, Costwmier to 
the Queen, Bow Street. One gown — period French 
Revolution, 1798 — Fifteen guineas ! " 

Sheba. 
[Sinking on her knees, clutching the table.'] Oh ! 

Salome. 
" Trimmings, linings, buttons, frillings — Seven 
guineas ! " 

Siieba. 
[Hysterically.] Yah ! 

Salome. 
That's mine ! 

Sheba. 
[Putting her fingers into her ears.] Now for mine, 
oooh ! 

Salome. 
[Heading.] " One skirt and bodice — flower girl — 
period uncertain — Ten guineas." 

Sheba. 
Less than yours ! What a shame ! 

Salome. 

"Trimmings, linings, buttons, frillings — Five 
guineas ! Extras, Two guineas. Total, Forty pounds, 
nineteen. Ladies' own brown paper patterns mis- 
laid. Terms, Cash ! " 

[They throw themselves into each others arms. 

Salome, 
Oh, Sheba ! 



DANDt DICK. 15 

Sheba. 
Salome! Are there forty pounds in the wide 
world? 

Salome. 
My heart weighs twenty. What shall we do ? 

Sheba. 
If we were only a few years older I should sug- 
gest that we wrote nice notes to Papa and committed 
suicide. 

Salome. 
Brought up as we have been, that's out of the 
question ! 

Sheba. 
Then let us be brave women and wear the dresses ! 

Salome. 
Of course we'll do that,but — the bill ! 

Sheba. 
We must get dear Papa in a good humor and coax 
him to make us a present of money. He knows we 
haven't been charitable in the town for ever so long. 

Salome. 
Poor dear Papa! He hasn't paid our proper 
dressmaker's bill yet, and I'm sure he's pressed for 
money. 

Sheba. 
But we can't help that when we're pressed for 
money — poor dear Papa ! 

Salome. 
Suppose poor Papa refuses to give us a present ? 



16 DANDY DICK. 

She la. 
Then we must play the piano when he's at work 
on his Concordance — poor dear Papa ! 

Salome. 
However, don't let us wrong poor Papa in advance. 
Let us try to think how nice we shall look. 

Sheba. 

Oh yes— sha'n't I ! 

Salome. 

Oh, I shall ! And as for stealing out of the house 
with Major Tarver when poor dear Papa, has gone 
to bed, why, Gerald Tarver would die for me ! 

Sheba. 
So would Nugent Darbey for me ; besides I'm not 
old enough to know better. 

Salome. 
You're not so very much younger than I, Sheba! 

Sheba. 

Indeed, Salome! Then why do you keep me in 
short skirts ? 

Salome. 
Why ! you cruel girl ! You know I can' t lei igthen 
you till I'm married ! 

[Bloke, the butler, a venerable-looking per- 
son, with rather a clerical stiggestion 
about his dress, enters by the window. 

Bloke. 

\_Benignh/.~] The two soldier gentlemen have just 
rode hup, Miss Salome. 

[ The girls dutch each Other's hands. 



DANDY DICK. 17 

Salome. 
You mean Major Tarver ? 

Sheba. 
And Mr. Darbey. They have called to inquire 
after poor Papa. 

Salome. 
Poor Papa ! 

Bloke. 
Shall I show them hin, Miss Sheba ? 

Sheba. 
Yes, Blore, dear, and hang your h's on the hat- 
stand. 

[Bloke laughs sweetly at Sheba and shakes 
his fingers at her play fully. 

Bloke. 
[ Vindictively, behind their backs.'] 'Ussies ! 

\_IIe goes out. 
Salome. 
Am I all right, Sheba ? 

Sheba. 
Yes. Am I ? 

Salome. 
Yes. [Zooking out at window.] Here they are ! 
How well Gerald Tarver dismounts ! Oh ! 

Sheba. 
He left his liver in India, didn't he ? 

Salome. 
No — only part of it. 



18 DANDY DICK. 

Sheba. 

Well— part of it, 

Salome. 
And that he gave to his Queen, brave fellow ! 

Sheba. 
[Seating herself in an artificial attitude."] Where 
shall we be — here ? 

Salome. 
[Running to the piano.'] All right ; you be ad- 
miring my voice ! 

Sheba. 
Oh, I dare say ! 

Salome. 
Here they are, and we're doing nothing ! 

Sheba. 
Let's run away and then come in unconsciously. 

Salome. 

Yes —unconsciously. 

[They run off through the Library. Blore 
shows in Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey, 
who are both in regimentals. Major Tar- 
ver is a middleraged, tall, a a (/alar officer, 
with a thin fare, yellow complexion, and 
red eyes, lie is alternately in a state of 
great excitement and depression. Mr. 
Darbey is a mere boy, but icith a pompous, 
patronizing manner. 

Darbey. 
The Dean's out of the way, eh ! 



DANDY DICK. 19 

Blore. 

Yes, sir, he his. 

Tarver. 
Eh ? How is the Dean ? Never mind — perhape 
Miss Jecld is at home ? 

Blore. 

Yes, sir, she his. 

Tarver. 
It would be discourteous to run away without 
asking Miss Jedd after her father. 

Darbey. 
[ Throwing himself on the settee.~\ Deuced bad form! 

Blore. 
The ladies were 'ere a minute ago. 

[Salome and Sheba icalk in together. Sa- 
lome has her arm, round her sister's tcaist 
and looks up to her with a sweet, trusting 
smile. They start in confusion on see- 
ing Tarver and Darbey. 

Salome. 
Major Tarver. 

SnEBA. 

Mr. Darbey. 

Tarver. 
[ Taking Salome's hand eagerly. ~\ My dear Miss 
Jedd ! 

Darbey. 
[Rising and putting a glass to his eye.~\ Hah yah ! 
Hah yah! 



20 DAJfrDY DICK. 

Salome. 
[ With her hand on her heart.] You quite startled 
us. 

Tarver. 
[In an agony of contrition.'] Oh, did we? 

Darbey. 
. Awfully cut up to hear it. 

Sheba. 
We never dreamt of finding two visitors for Papa. 

Blore. 
Why, you told me to show the gentlemen bin, Miss 
Sheba! 

\_The tioo girls start guiltily and glare at Blore. 

Salome. 
[ With suppressed rage.] You needn't wait, Blore ! 

Blore. 

[ To himself ,] Let 'em 'ang that on the 'atstand ! 
[Blore goes out. Darbey and Sheba stroll 
together into the Library. 

Tarver. 
[ To Salome.] We thought we'd ride over directly 
after parade to make the final arrangements for to- 
night. Have the costumes arrived ? 

Salome. 
Yes, they came yesterday in a hamper labeled 
"Miss Jedd, Secretary, Cast-off Clothing Distribu- 
tion League." 



DANDY DICK. 21 

Tarver. 
That was my idea — came to me in the middle of 
the night. 

Salome. 
Dear Major Tarver, surely this terrible strain on 
your nerves is very, very bad for you with your — 
your— 

Tarvek. 
My liver — say the word, Miss Jedd. 

Salome. 
\_Drooping her head.~] Oh, Major Tarver ! 

Tarver. 
It is frightfully injurious. Of course I'm excited 
now, and you see me at my best, but the alternating 
fits of hopeless despondency are shocking to witness 
and to endure ! 

Salome. 
Oh! 

Tarver. 
It's all that damned India! Oh! what have I 
said ! You will never forgive me. 

Salome. 
Indeed, indeed I will ! 

Tarver. 
Never. Oh, Miss Jedd, my forgetfulness has 
brought me — one of my — terrible attacks — of depres- 
sion ! 

Salome. 
Major Tarver ! 

\_She leads him to a chair into which he sinks 
in a ghastly state. Darbey strolls in 
from the Library icith Sheba. 



22 DANDY DICK. 

Darbey. 
[ To Sheba.] Your remarks about the army are 
extremely complimentary. On behalf of the army I 
thank you. We fellows are not a bad sort, take us 
all round. 

Sheba. 
There's a grand future before you, isn't there ? 

Darbey. 
Well, I suppose there is if I go on as I'm gomg 
now. 

Tarver. 
[ To Salome.] Thanks, the attack has passed. Now 
about to-night ; at what time is the house entirely 
quiet ? 

Salome. 
Poor dear Papa goes round with Blore at half-past 
nine — after that all is rest and peacefulness. 

Tarver. 
Then if we're here with the closed carriage at ten — ! 
[They go together into the library. 
Darbey. 
[ To Sheba.] Some of us army men can slave too. 
Tarver's queer livah has thrown all the arrange- 
ments for the Fancy Ball on my shoulders. [Salome 
and Tarver re-enter. "] Look at him — that's when he's 
enjoying life ! 

Tarver. 
[Laughing convulsively. ~] Ha ! ha! ha! ho ! he ! he! 
Good, eh, Miss Jedd ? 

Salome. 
But suppose clear Papa should hear us crunching 
down the gravel path ! 



DANDY DICK. 23 

Tarver. 
Oh ! \_He sinks on to the settee with a vacant stare, 
his arms hanging helplei 



Darbey. 
[ To Sheba.] There — now his career is a burden to 
him ! 

Sheba. 
Oh! 

Salome. 
Would you like a glass of water, Major Tarver ? 

Tarver. 
[ Taking Salome's hand.~] Thank you, dear Miss 
Jedd, with the least suggestion of cayenne pepper 
in it. 

Sheba. 
[Looking out at ioindov.\~] Oh, Salome! Papa! 
Papa ! 

Tarver. 
The Dean?- 

Darbey. 
The Dean ! 

[ They all collect themselves in a fluster. The 
two girls go to meet their father, who enters 
at the window with his head bowed and his 
hands behind his back, in deep thought. 
The Dean is a portly man of about fifty, 
with a dignified demeanor, a suave voice 
and persuasive manner, and a noble broio 
surmounted by silver- gray hair. Blore 
follows The Dean, carrying some boohs, a 
small bunch offloioers, and art umbrella. 



24 BANDY DICK. 

Salome. 
[ Tenderly.'] Papa ! 

Sheba. 
Papsey ! 

[The Dean rouses himself, discovers his chil- 
dren and removes his hat. 

The Dean. 
[To Salome.] Salome! [To Sheba.] My toy- 
child! [lie draws the girls to him and embraces 
them, then sees Tarver and Darbey.] Dear me! 
Strangers ! 

Tarver and Darbey. 
[Coughing uncomfortably.] Il'm ! 

Salome. 
[Reproachfully, taking his hat from him.] Papa! 
Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey have ridden over from 
Durnstone to ask how your cold is. 

[Sheba takes the gold-rimmed pince-nez 
which hangs upon The Dean's waist- 
coat and places it before his eyes. 

The Dean. 
Dear me ! Major ! Mr. Garvey. 

Sheba. 

Mr. Darbey! 

The Dean. 

Darbey ! How good of you ! [ With his girls still 
embracing him he extends a hand to each of the men.] 
My cold is better. [Blore goes out through the Li- 
brary.] Major — Air. Garvey — these inquiries strike 
me as -being so kind that I insist — no, no, I beg that 
you will share our simple dinner Avith us to-night at 
six o'clock ! 



DANDY DICK. 25 

Taevee. 
[Disconcerted. ] Oh ! 

Daebey. 
H'm ! 

The Dean. 
Let me see — Tuesday night is 

Salome. 
Leg of mutton, Papa ! 

The Dean. 

Thank you. Mutton, hot. 

Sheba. 
And custards, Papsey. 

The Dean. 

Thank you, toy-child — custards, cold. And a wel- 
come — warm. 

Tasves. 
[Looking to Salome.] Well, I — ah — [Salome nods 
her head to him violently. ~] That is, certainly, Dean, 
certainly. 

Daebey. 
Delighted, my dear Dean — delighted ! 

The Dean gives Daebey a severe look, and 
with an important cough walks into the 
Library. The men and the girls speak 
in undertones. 

Taevee. 
[Depressed.'] Now, what will happen to-night ? 



26 BANDY DICK. 

Salome. 
Why, don't you see, as you will have to drive over 
to dine, you will both be here, on the spot, ready to 
take us back to Durnstone ? 

[The Deax sits at his desk in the Library. 

Darbey. 

Of course ; when we're turned out we can hang 
about in the lane till you're ready. 

Tarver. 

Yes, but when are we to make our preparations ? 
It'll take me a long time to look like Charles the 
First ! 

Sheba. 
We can drive about Durnstone while you dress. 

Salome. 
[ To Tarver, admiringly.'] Charles the First ! Oh, 
Major ! 

Darbey. 
That was my idea — Charles the Martyr, you know. 
Tarver's a martyr to his liver — see ? 

Sheba. 

Oh! sha'n't we all look magnificent? 

Salome. 
Oh! 

Tarver. 

Grand idea — the whole thing ! 

Darbey. 
Regular army notion ! 

[They are all in a state of great excitement 
when The Dea^ re-enters, with an anx- 
ious look, carrying a bundle of papers. 



BANDY DICK. 27 

Salome. 
Here is Papa ! 

[ They 7'ush to various seats, all in constrained 
attitudes. 

Tarver. 
[ To The Dean.] We waited to say — good-morn- 
ing. 

The Deax. 

[Taking his hand, abstractedly. ] How kind! 

Good- morning! 

Darbey. 
Six o'clock sharp, Dean? 

The Deax. 
At six, punctually. Salome, represent me by 
escorting these gentlemen to the gate. [Salome, 
Tarver, and Darbey go out. Sheba is following 
slyly when, The Deax looks up from his papers.'] 
Sheba! 

Sheba. 
Papsey ! 

The Deax. 
Check me in a growing tendency to dislike Mr. 
Garvey. At dinner, Sheba, watch that I carve for 
him fairly. 

Sheba. 
Yes, Papsey ! 

[The Deax turns away and sits on the settee. 
Sheba, with her head down and her hands 
folded, walks towards the door, and then 
bounds oat. 

The Deax. 
[Turning the papers over in his hand, solemnly."] 

Bills ! \_He rises, walks thoughtfully to a chair, sits 



■2i BAN BY BICK. 

and examines papers again.'] Bills ! [lie rises again, 
walks to another chair, and sinks into it with a 
groan.] Bills ! 

Salome and Sheba re-enter. 

Salome. 
[To Sheea, in a lohisper.] Papa's alone! 

Sheba. 
A beautiful opportunity to ask for that little 
present of money. Poor clear Papa ! 

Salome and Sheea. 
Poor clear Papa ! 

[They link their hands together and walk as 

if going out through the Library. 

The Dean. 

[Looking up.] Don't go, children ! 

[lie rises, the girls rush to him, and laugh- 
ing with joy they turn him like a top, 
dancing round him. 

[Panting.] Stop, children! 

Sheba. 
Papsey's in a good humor ! 

Salome. 
[Pinching his chin.] lie always is! 

Sheba. 
Papsey will listen to our little wants ! 

[ They force him into a chair. Salome sits 
on the ground embracing his legs, Sheba 
lies on the top of the table. 



BAND r DICK. 29 

The Deax. 
Oh dear, oh clear ! Your wants are very little 
ones. What are they, Salome? What are they, 
toy-child? 

Salome. 
Papa ! Have you any spare cash ? 

The Deax. 
Spare cash ! Playful Salome ! 

SlIEBA. 

£ — s — (7, Papsey, or £ — s, Papsey, and never 
mind the — d. 

The Deax. 
Ha! ha! I am glad, really glad, children, that 
you have broken through a reserve which has existed 
on this point for at least a fortnight — and babbled 
for money. 

Sheba and Salome. 
[Laughing with delight.] Ha ! ha ! 

The Deax. 
It gives me the opportunity of meeting your de- 
mands with candor. Children, I have love for you, 
solicitude for you, but — I have no spare cash for any- 
body. 

\He rises and walks gloomily across to the 
piano, on the top of which he commences 
to arrange his bills. In horror Salome 
scrambles up from the floor, and Sheba 
wriggles off the table. Simultaneously 
they drop on to the same chair and huddle 
together. 

Salome. 
[To herself] Lost! 



30 DANDY DICK. 

Sheba. 
[To herself.] Done for! 

The Dean. 

And now you have so cheerily opened the subject, 
let me tell you with equal good humor {emphatically 
flourishing the bills] that this sort of thing must be 
put a stop to. Your dressmaker's bill is shocking ; 
your milliner gives an analytical record of the 
feverish beatings of the hot pulse of fashion ; your 
general draper blows a rancorous blast which would 
bring dismay to the stoutest heart. Let me for once 
peal out a deep paternal bass to your childish treble 
and say emphatically — I've had enough of it ! 

\_He jKtces up and down. The tioo girls utter 
a loud yell of grief . 

Sheba. 
[ Through her tears."] We've been brought up as 
young ladies — that can't be done for nothing ! 

Salome. 
Sheba's small, but she cuts into a lot of material. 

The Dean. 
My girls, it is such unbosomings as this which pre- 
serve the domestic unison of a family. Weep, howl, 
but listen. The total of these weeds which spring 
up in the beautiful garden of paternity is a hundred 
and fifty-six, eighteen, three. Now, all the money I 
can immediately command is considerably under 
five hundred pounds. 

Salome. 
Oh, Papa! 



BANDY DICK. 31 

Sheba. 
Oh! what a lot! 

The Dean. 
Hush! But read, Salome, read aloud tuispcc...- 
graph in u The Times " of yesterday. There, my 
child. 

[He hands a copy of " The Times'' 1 to Sa- 
lome with his finger upon a paragraph. 

Salome. 
[Reading. ~\ " A Munificent Offer. Dr. Jedd, the 
Dean of St. Marvells, whose anxiety for the preser- 
vation of the Minister Spire threatens to undermine 
his health, has subscribed the munificent sum of one 
thousand pounds to the Restoration Fund." [Indig- 
nantly^ Oh! 

Sheba. 

Oh ! and we gasping for clothing ! 

The Dean. 
Read on, my child. 

Salome. 
[Heading.'] " On condition that seven other donors 
come forward, each with the like sum." 

Salome. 
And will they ? 

The Dean. 

[Anxiously.'] My darling, times are bad, but one 
never knows. 

Sheba. 
If they don't! 



32 DANDY DICK. 

The Deax. 
Then you will have your new summer dresses as 
usual. 

Salome. 
[Hoarsely. ~] But if they do ! Speak, Father ! 

The Deax. 

[ Gloomily.'] Then we will all rejoice ! 

Sheba and Salome. 
Rejoice ! 

The Deax. 

And retrench. Two R's, little ones. Retrench 
and Rejoice. 

[The two girls cling to each other as Blore 
comes from the Library with tico letters 
on a salver. 

Blore. 
The second post, sir — just hin. 

The Deax. 
[Blandly."] Thank you. 

Bloee. 

[Hearing Salome am? Sheba crying.] They've 'ad 
a scolding, 'ussies. Let 'em 'ang that on the 'at- 
stand ! [He is going out. 

The Deax. 

[ Opening letters.] Oh, Blore ! This note from Mr. 
Ilodder, the Secretary of " The Sport and Relaxa- 
tion Repression Guild/' reminds me that to-morrow 
is the first day of the Races — the St.Marvells Spring 
Meeting, as it is called. 



DANDY DICK. 33 

Blore. 
Hindeed, sir — fancy that ! And I not know it ! 

The Dean. 

All our servants may not resemble you, Blore. 
Pray remind them in the kitchen and the stable of 
the rule of the house 

Blore. 

No servant allowed to leave the Deanery, on hany 
pretence, while the Races is on. 

The Dean. 

[Kindly.'] While the races are on — thank you, 
Blore. [ Opens his second letter. 

Blore. 
Thank you, sir. [To him self. ] Oh, if the Dean 
only knew the good thing I could put him on to for 
the Durnstone Handicap ! [He goes out. 

The Dean. 
Children ! Salome ! Sheba ! Here is good news ! 

Salome. 
[Running to him.'] Good news ! 

Sheba. 
What is it? 

The Dean. 
Your Aunt ! 

Sheba. 
Left us some money ? 

The Dean. 
Your Aunt is coming to live with us. 



M DANDY DICK. 

Sheba. 

To what ? 

Salome. 
To live with us ! What Aunt ? 

The Dean. 
My dear widowed sister, Georgiana Tidman. 

Salome. 
What's she like ? 

Sheba. 
We don't want her. 

The Dean. 
Good gracious ! Georgiana and I reconciled after 
all these years ! She will help us to keep the ex- 
penses down. 

Salome. 
Keep the expenses down ! 

The Dean. 
[Embracing his daughters.'] A second mother to 
my girls. She will implant the precepts of retrench- 
ment if their father cannot ! 

Salome. 
But, Papa, who is Aunt what's-her-name ? 

Sheba. 
Who is she ? 

The Dean. 
My dears — a mournful, miserable history ! [ With 
his head bent he walks to a chair, and holds out his 
hands to the girls, who r/o to him and kneel at his 
feet.'] When you were infants your Aunt Georgiana 
married an individual whose existence I felt it my 
sad duty never to recognize. 



DANDY DICK. <j5 

Salome. 
A bad man ? 

The Dean. 

He died ten years ago, and, therefore, we will say 
a misguided man. He was a person who bred 
horses to run in races for amusement combined with 
profit. He was also what is called a Gentleman 
Jockey, and it was your aunt's wifely boast that if 
ever he vexed her she could take a stone off his 
weight in half an hour. In due course his neck was 
dislocated. 

Sheba. 

By Aunt ? 

The Dean. 

Hush, child, no ! You will be little wiser when 
I tell you he came a cropper ! 

Salome. 
How awful it all sounds ! 

The Dean. 

Left a widow, you would think it natural that 
Georgiana Tidman would have flown to her brother, 
himself a widower. Not at all. Maddened, I hope, 
by grief, she continued the career of her misguided 
husband, and for years, to use her own terrible 
words, she was " the Daisy of the Turf." 

Sheba. 
What's that? 

The Dean. 
I don't know, toy-child. But at length retribution 
came. Ill luck fell upon her — her horses, stock, 
everything, came to the hammer. That was my 
hour. " Come to me," I wrote, " my children yearn 
for you." 



36 DANDY DICK. 

Sheba and Salome. 
[ With icry faces.~] Oh ! 

The Dean. 

" At the Deanery of St. Marvells, with the cares of 
a household, and a stable which contains only a thir- 
teen-year-old pony, you may obtain rest and forget- 
f ulness." And she is coming ! 

Sheba and Salome, 
When? Oh! when? 

The Dean. 
She merely says, " Soon." 

Sheba and Salome. 
[Stamping with vexation.~] Ugh! 

The Dean. 

Salome, Sheba, you will, I fear, find her a sad 
broken creature, a weary fragment, a wave-tossed 
derelict. Let it be your patient endeavor to win 
back a flickering smile to the wan features of this 
chastened widow. 

Blore enters with a telegram. 

Blore. 
A telegram, sir ! [The Dean opens telegram. 

Sheba. 
Xo Aunt Tidman flickers a smile at me ! 

Salome. 
I wouldn't be in her shoes for something ! 

Sheba. 

Salt in her bed, Salome ! 



DANDY DICK. g'. 

Salome. 
Yes, and the peg out of the rattling window ! 

[They grip hands earnestly. 

The Dean. 
Good gracious ! Bless me ! Girls, your Aunt 
Georgiana slept at the " Wheatsheaf," at Durnstone, 
last night, and is coining on this morning ! 

Salome and Sheba. 
To-day ! 

The Dean. 
Blore, tell Willis to get the chaise out. 

[Blore hurries out. 

The Dean. 
Salome, child, you and I will drive into Durnstone 
— we may be in time to bring your Aunt over. My 
hat, Sheba ! Quick ! [ The clang of the gate bell is 
heard in the distance.'] The bell! [Looking out of 
window.] No — yes — it can't be! [/Speaking in an 
altr red voice.] Children ! I wonder if this is your 
Aunt Georgiana ? 

[Blore appears with a half-frightened, sur- 
prised look. 

Blore. 
Mrs. Tidman. 
Georgiana Tidman enters. She is a jovial, noisy 
woman, very " horsey " in manners and appear- 
ance, and dressed in pronounced mascidine style, 
with billy cock hat and coaching coat. The girls 
cling to each other ; The Dean recoils. 

Georgiana. 
Well, Gus, my boy, how are you? 



;;x bANDY Dirk. 

The Dean. 

[Shocked. ~\ Georgiana ! 

Georgian a. 
[Patting The Dean's cheeks."] You're putting on 
too much flesh, Augustin ; they should give you a 
ten-miler daily in a blanket. 

The Dean. 
[ With dignity.'] My dear sister ! 

Georgiana. 
Are these your two-year-olds? [To Salome.] 
Kiss your Aunt! [/She kisses Salome with a good 
hearty smack.] [7b Sheba.] Kiss your Aunt ! [She 
embraces Sheba, then stands between the two girls and 
surveys them critically, touching them alternately 
with the end of her cane.] Lord bless you both ! 
What names do you run under ? 

Salome. 
I — I am Salome. 

Sheba. 
I am Sheba. 

Georgiana. 

[Looking at Sheba.] Why, little 'un, your stable 
companion could give you a stone and then get her 
nose in front ! 

The Dean. 

[ Who has been impatiently /toning.] Georgiana, 
I fear these poor innocents don't follow your well- 
intentioned but inappropriate illustrations. 

Georgiana. 
Oh, we'll soon wake 'em up. Well, Augustin, my 



BANDY DICK. 39 

boy, it's nearly twenty years since you and I 
munched our corn together. 

The Dean. 

Our estrangement has been painfully prolonged. 

Georgian a. 
Since then we've both run many races, though 
we've never met in the same events. The world 
has ridden us both pretty hard at times, Gus, hasn't 
it? We've been punished and pulled and led down 
pretty often, but here we are [tapping him sharply 
in the chest with her cane], sound in the wind yet. 
You're doing well, (ins, and they say you're going 
up the hill neck-and-neck with your Bishop. I've 
dropped out of it — the mares don't last, Gus — and 
it's good and kind of you to give me a dry stable and 
a clean litter, and to keep me out of the shafts of a 
" Shrewsbury and Talbot." 

Sheba. 
[In a whisper to Salome,] Salome, I don't quite 
understand her — but I like Aunt. 

Salome. 
So do I. But she's not my idea of a weary frag- 
ment or a chastened widow. 

The Dean. 
My dear Georgiana, I rejoice that you meet me in 
this affectionate spirit, and when — pardon me — 
when you have a little caught the tone of the Dean- 
ery 

Georgiana. 
Oh, I'll catch it ; if I don't the Deanery will a lit- 
tle catch my tone — the same thing. [Sheba laughs, 
/ 



40 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 

\_Reprovi?igly.~] Toy-child ! 

Georgian a. 
Trust George Tidcl for setting things quite square 
in a palace or a puddle. 

The Dean. 

George Tidd ! Who is George Tidd ? 

Georgian a. 
I am George Tidd — that was my racing name. 
Ask after George Tidd at Newmarket — they'll tell 
you all about me. My colors were crimson and 
black diamonds. There you are. 

[Producing her pocket-handkerchiefs which is 
crimson and black. 

The Deax. 
Dear me ! Very interesting ! Georgiana, my 
dear. One moment, children. 

[The girls go into the Library. 

The Dean. 
[Tapping the handkerchief^ I understand dis- 
tinctly from your letter that all this is finally 
abandoned ? 

Georgiana. 
Worse luck ! They'll never see my colors at the 
post again ! 

The Dean. 

And the contemplation of sport generally as a 
mental distraction ? 



DANDY DICK. 41 

Georgiana. 
Oh, yes — I dare say you'll manage to wean me 
from that, too, in time. 

The Dean. 
In time ! Well, but — Georgiana ! 

[ The (/ate bell is heard again, the girls re-enter. 

Georgian a. 
There's a visitor. I'll tootle upstairs and have a 
groom down. [ To Salome and Sheba.] Make the 
running, girls. At what time do Ave feed, Augustin? 

The Dean. 
There is luncheon at one o'clock. 

Georgiana. 
Right. The air here is so fresh I sha'n't be sorry 
to get my nose-bag on. 

\_She stalks out,aceompamed by the girls. 

The Dean. 
My sister, Georgiana — my widowed sister, Geor- 
giana. Dear me, I am quite disturbed. Surely, 
surely the serene atmosphere of the Deanery will 
work a change. It must ! It must ! If not, what a 
grave mistake I have made. Good gracious ! No, no, 
I won't think of it ! Still, it is a little unfortunate 
that poor Georgiana should arrive here on the very 
eve of these terrible races at St. Marvells, 

Blore enters with a card. 

The Dean. 
Who is it, Blore ? [Reading the card.] " Sir Tris- 
tram Mar don." Dear, dear ! Certainly, Blore, cer- 



4l> DANDY DICK. 

tainly. [Blore goes out.] Mardon — why, Mardon 

and I haven't met since Oxford. 

[Blore re-enters, showing in Sir Tristram Mardon, 
a well-preserved man of about fifty, with a ruddy 
face and jovial manner ^ the type of the thorough 
English sporting gentleman. Blore goes out. 

Sir Tristram. 
Hullo, Jedd, how are you ? 

The Dean. 

My dear Mardon — are we boys again ? 

Sir Tristram. 

[Boisterously.] Of course we are ! Boys again ! 
\_IIe hits The Dean violently in the chest. 

The Dean. 
[Breathing heavily — to himself.'] I quite forgot 
how rough Mardon used to be. How it all comes 
back to me! 

Sir Tristram. 
Think I'm changed ? 

The Dean. 
Only in appearance ! 

Sir Tristram. 
I'm still a bachelor — got terribly jilted by a woman 
years ago and have run in blinkers ever since. Can't 
be helped, can it? You're married, aren't you? 

The Dean. 
[ With dign ity.~] I have been a widower for fif teer; 
years, 



DANDY DICK. 43 

Sir Tristram. 
Oh lor 1 ! awfully sorry — can't be helped though, 
can it? [Seizing The Dean's hand and squeezing it.] 
Forgive me, old chap. 

The Deax. 
[ Withdrawing his hand with pain.'] O-o-ohi 

Sir Tristram. 
I've re-opened an old wound — damned stupid of 
me! 

The Deax. 
Hush, Mardon ! Please ! 

Sir Tristram. 
All right. What do you think I'm down here for ? 

The Deax. 
For the benefit of your health, Mardon ? 

Sir Tristram. 
Ila ! ha ! Xever had an ache in my life ; sha'n't 
come and hear you preach next Sunday, Gus. 

The Dean. 
I do not preach next Sunday ! 

Sir Tristram. 
You'd better not ! No, I'm here for the races. 

The Deax. 
, The races ! Hush, my dear Mardon, my girls . 

Sir Tristram. 

Girls ! May I trot 'em into the paddock to-mois 
row ? 



44 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 

Thank you, no. 

Sir Tristram. 
Think it over. You've seen the list of Starters 
for the Durnstone Handicap ? 

The Dean. 

No, I haven't. 

Sir Tristram. 
Not ! Look here ! Sir Tristram Mardon's Dandy 

Dick, Nine stone two, Tom Gallawood up I What 
do you think of that ? 

The Deax. 
] don't think of anything like that ! 

Sir Tristram. 
[Digging The Deax in the ribsJ] Look out for 
my colors — black and white, and a pink cap— first 

past the post to-morrow. 

The Deax. 
Really, my dear Mardon 

Sir Tristram. 
Good heavens ! Jedd, they talk about Bonny Betsy. 

The Deax. 
1 grieve to hear it. The tongue of scandal- 

Sir Tristram. 
[ Taking The Dean's arm and walking him about.~] 
Do you imagine, sir, for one moment, that Bonny 
Betsy, with a boy on her back, can get down that 
l 11 with those legs of hers ? 






DANDY DICK. 45 

The Dean. 
Another horse, I presume ? 

Sir Tristram. 
No, a bay mare. George Tick! knew what she was 
about when she stuck to Dandy Dick to the very 
last. 

The Deax. 
[Aghast.'] George— Tidcl ? 

Sir Tristram. 

Georgiana Tidman. Dandy came out of her stable 
after she smashed. 

The Deax. 
Bless me ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Poor old George! I wonder what's become of 
her. 

The Deax. 
My dear Mardon, I am of course heartily pleased 
to revive in this way our old acquaintance. 1 wish 
it were in my power to offer you the hospitality of 
the Deanery — but 

Sir Tristram. 
Don't name it. My horse and I are over the way 
at " The Swan." Come and look at Dandy Dick ! 

The Deax. 
Mardon, you don't understand. My position in 

St. Marvells 

Sir Tristram. 
Oh, I see, Jedd. I beg your pardon. You mean 
that the colors you ride in don't show up well on 
the hill yonaer or in the stable of the " Swan" Inn. 



46 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 

You must remember 

Sir Tristram. 
I remember that in your young days you made 
the heaviest book on the Derby of any of our fellows. 

The Dean. 
I always lost, Mardon ; indeed, I always lost ! 

Sir Tristram. 
I remember that you once matched a mare of your 
own against another of Lord Reckslade's for fifty 
pounds ! 

The Dean. 
Yes, but she wasn't in it, Mardon — I mean she was 
dreadfully beaten. 

Sir Tristram. 
[Shaking his head sorrow fully."] Oh Jedd, Jedd — 
other times, other manners. Good-bye, old boy. 

The Dean. 

You're not — you're not offended, Mardon ? 

Sir TaiSTRAM. 
[Taking The Dean's hand,'] Offended! No- 
only sorry, Dean, damned sorry, to see a promising 
lad come to an end like this. [Georgia na enters 
with Salome on, one side of her and Sheba on the 
other — all three laughing and chatting, apparently the 
best of friends.] By Jove ! No ! what — Tidd ? 

Georgiana. 
Hullo, Mardon ! 

[ They shake hands warmly. 






IfANDY BlClu 

Sir Tristram. 
Of all places in the world, to find " Mr. Tidd ! " 
[Roaring with laughter.'] Ho ! ho ! ho ! 

Georgiana. 
[Laughing.~\ Ha ! ha ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Why, Dean, you've been chaffing me, have you ? 

The Dean. 

No! 

Sir Tristram. 
Yes, you have — you've been roasting your old 
friend ! 

The Dean. 
[ With dignity.] Mardon ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Tidd is a pal of yours, eh ? Ho ! ho ! 

Georgiana. 
Ha! ha! 

The Dean. 
Sir Tristram Mardon, Mrs. Tidman is my sister. 

Sir Tristram. 
Your sister ? 

Georgiana. 
Yes, I've been running a bit dark, Mardon, but 
that stout, well-seasoned animal over there and this 
skittish creature come of the same stock and were 
foaled in the same stable. [Pointing to Salome and 
Sheba.] There are a couple of yearlings here, you 
don't know. My nieces — Salome and Sheba. 



48 DANDY DICK. 

Sir Tristram. 
\_jBowing.~\ How do you do? [Heartily taking 
Georgi ana's Acme? again.] Well, I don't care whose 
sister you are, but I'm jolly glad to see you, George, 
my boy. 

Georgiana. 
Gracious, Tris, don't squeeze my hand so ! 

The Dean. 
\_Tn horror.'] Salome, Sheba, children! I must 
speak to you. Excuse me, Mardon. [ To himself.] 
Oh, what shall I do with my widowed sister ? 

[77c goes into the garden. 

Sheba. 

[To Salome.] That's like pa, just as Ave were 
getting interested. 

Salome. 
We'll come back in a minute. 

\_They go out by the window. 

Sir Tristram. 
Lord! How odd! You know your brother and 
I were at Oxford together, George ? 

Georgiana. 

Were you, Tris ! Then are you putting up here ? 

Sir Tristram. 
He won't have me. 

Georgiana. 

Won't have you ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Because I'm down here racing. You see, he's a 
Dean. 



DANDY DICK. 49 

Georgiana. 
Is he? Well, then, you just lay a thousand 
sovereigns to a gooseberry that in this house I'm a 
Dean, too ! 

Sir Tristram. 
I suppose he's thinking of the Canons — and the 
Bishop — and those chaps. 

Georgian a. 
Lord bless your heart, they're all right when you 
cheer them up a bit! If I'm here till the autumn 
meeting you'll find me lunching on the hill, with the 
Canons marking my card and the dear old Bishop 
mixing the salad. So say the word, Tris — I'll make 
it all right with Augustin. 

Sir Tristram. 
No, thanks, old fellow. The fact is I'm fixed at 
the " Swan" with — what do you think, George? — 
with Dandy Dick. 

Georgiana. 
Oh ! my old Dandy ! 

Sir Tristram, 
I brought him down with me in lavender. You 
know he runs for the Durnstone Handicap to-mor- 
row. 

Georgiana. 

Know ! There's precious little that horse does that 
I don't know, and what I don't know I dream. Is 
he fit? 

Sir Tristram. 
As a fiddle — shines like a mirror — not an ounce 
too much or too little. He'll romp in ! 

4 



50 DANDY DICK. 

Georgia x a. 
He'll dance in ! Tris Marclon ! 



Eh? 



Sir Tristram. 
Georgiaxa. 



[Mysteriously.'] Tris, Dandy Dick doesn't belong 
to yon — not all of him. 

Sir Tristram. 
No — I've only a half share. At your sale he was 
knocked down to John Fielder the trainer. The 
other half belongs to John. 

Georgiaxa. 
No, it doesn't, it belongs to me! 

Sir Tristram. 
George ! 

Georgiaxa. 

Yes, directly I saw Dandy Dick marched out be- 
fore the auctioneer I asked John Fielder to help me, 
and he did, like a Briton. For I can't live without 
horseflesh, if it's only a piece of cat's meat on a 
skewer. But when I condescended to keep company 
with the Canons and the Bishop here I promised 
Augustin that I wouldn't own anything on four legs, 
so John sold you half of Dick, and I can swear I 
don't own a horse — and I don't — not a whole one. 
But half a horse is better than no bread, Tris — and 
we're partners. 

Sir Tristram. 

[Roaring with laughter, .] Ho ! ho ! ha ! ha ! ha! 

Georgiaxa. 
What are you laughing at, man ? 



DANDY DICK. 51 

Sir Tristram. 
Oh, the Dean ! the Dean ! 

Salome and Sheba enter imperceived. 

Sir Tristram. 
[Still laughing.'] I — ho ! ho! — I beg your pardon, 
George — ha ! ha ! Well, now you know he's fit, of 
course, you're going to back Dandy Dick for the 
Durn stone Handicap. 

Georgiana. 
Back him ! For every penny I've got in the world. 
That isn't much, but if I'm not a richer woman by a 
thousand pounds to-morrow night I shall have had 
a bad day. 

Salome. 

Oh, Sheba ! 

[ The girls come toicards the Library. 

Georgiana. 
[Discovering them.] Hush ! [ To the girls.] Hallo ! 

Sheba. 
It's only us, Aunt. 

[ The girls go into the Library. 

Sir Tristram. 
I'll be off. 

Georgiana. 
Keep your eye on the old horse, Tristram. 

Sir Tristram. 
Don't fear. Good-morning, George ! 



52 DANDY DICK. 

Georgian a. 
Good-morning, partner! [Sir Tristram bursts 
out laughing again, she joining in the laughter.'] Oh, do 
be quiet ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Ho ! ho ! ho ! Ha ! ha ! Oh, say good-bye for me 
to the Dean! [She gives him a push and he goes 
out. 

Sheba and Salome immediately re-enter from the 
Library. 

Sheba. 
Aunt — dear Aunt 

Georgiana. 
Well, girls? 

Sheba. 
Aunt — Salome has something to say to you. 

Salome. 
No, it's Sheba. 

Gecrgiana. 
Why, you're shivering all over. [ Catching hold of 
Sheba.] Hallo, little 'un ! 

Sheba. 
Aunt — dear Aunt Georgiana — we heard you say 
something about a thousand pounds. 

Georgiana. 
You've been listening ? 

Sheba. 
No — we only merely heard. And, oh, Aunt, a 
thousand pounds is such a lot, and we poor girls 
want such a little. 



DAN BY DICK. 53 

Georgiana. 
Money ? 

Sheba. 
Yes. Salome has rather got into debt. 

Georgiana. 
My gracious ! 

Salome. 
I haven't, any more than you have, Sheba. 

Sheba. 
Well, I'm in debt too, but I only meant to beg for 
Salome; but now I ask for both of us. Oh, Aunt 
Tidman, papa has told us that you have known 
troubles. 

Georgiana. 
So I have — heaps of them. 

Sheba. 
Oh, I'm so glad. Because Salome and I are 
weary fragments too — we're everything awful but 
chastened widows. We owe forty pounds unknown 
to Pa! 

Salome. 
Forty pounds, nineteen. 

Georgiana. 
Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, you 
girls ! 

Sheba. 

We are I 

Salome. 

We are I 



54 DANDY DICK. 

Georgiana. 
To cry and go on like this about forty pounds ! 

Sheba. 
But we've only got fifteen and threepence of our 
own in the world! And, oh, Aunt, you know some- 
thing about the Races, don't you ? 

Georgiana. 
Eh? 

Sheba. 
If you do, help two poor creatures to win forty 
pounds, nineteen. Aunt Georgiana, what's " Dandy 
Dick " you were talking to that gentleman about ? 

Georgiana. 
Child ! Dandy Dick's a horse. 



We thought so. 
some money. 

No, no ! I won' 


Sheba. 
Then let Dandy 

Georgiana. 
t hear of it ! 


Dick 


win 


us 


Oh, do, do I 
Oh, do, do, do ! 


Sheba. 
Salome. 









Georgiana. 
Go away — I won't. I say decidedly, I will not! 

Sheba. 
Oh, do, do ! 



DANDY DICK. 55 

Salome. 
Do ! Do, and we'll love you for ever and ever, 
Aunt Georgiana. 

Georgiana. 
You will ! [ She embraces them heartily. ~\ Bless your 
little innocent faces! Do you want to win forty 
pounds ? 

Salome and Sheba. 
Yes, yes ! 

Georgiana. 
Do you want to win fifty pounds? 

Sheba and Salome. 
Oh, yes, yes ! 

Georgiana. 
[Taking her betting book from her pocket. ~] Very 
well, then, put your very petticoats on Dandy Dick ! 

[ The girls stand clutching their skirts, frightened. 

Salome. 
Oh! 

Sheba. 
Oh 1 



end op the first act. 



56" DANDY DICK. 



THE SECOND ACT. 

The morning-room at the Deanery, with the fire and, 
the lamps lighted. It is after dinner. 

Sheba is playing the piano, Salome lolling upon 
the settee, and Georgian a pouring out tea. They 
are in em ning dress. 

Georgiana. 
Sugar, Sally ? I call you Sally, Salome — the 
evening's too short for your name. 

Salome. 

All right, Aunt George — two lumps, please. 

Georgiana. 
[To Sheba.] Little 'un? 

Sheba. 

Two lumps and one in the saucer, to eat. 

Georgiana. 
Quite a relief to shake off the gentlemen, isn't it? 

Salome. 
Do you think so, Aunt? 

Sheba. 
Oh, /don't think so. 



DANDY DICK. 57 

Georgian a. 
H'm ! Now I understand why my foot was al- 
ways in the way under the dinner-table. 

[She holds out two cups, which the girls take 
from her. 

Salome. 
I thought the dinner was an overwhelming suc- 
cess. 

Sheba. 
All our dinners are at the Deanery. 

Georgiana. 
Awfully jolly. Mutton was overdone. 

Salome. 
That's our new cook's one failing. 

Georgiana. 
But the potatoes weren't — they rattled. 

Sheba. 
Cook never can manage potatoes. 

Georgiaista. 
What was wrong with the custards ? 

Salome. 
Well, it was Cook's first attempt at custards. 

Georgiana. 
However, they served one useful end. Now we 
know the chimney wants sweeping. 

Salome. 
But it was a frightfully jolly dinner — take it all 
round. 



58 DANDY DICK. 

Sheba. 

Yes, take it all round. One has to take things all 
round. 

Georgiaxa. 
What made us all so sad and silent — taking us all 
round ? 

Sheba. 
Dear Papa was as lively as an owl with neuralgia. 

Georgiaxa. 
Major Tarver isn't a conversational cracker. 

Salome. 

Gerald Tarver has no liver — to speak of. 

Georgiaxa. 
He might have spoken ahout his lungs or some- 
thing, to cheer us up. 

Sheba. 
I fancy Mr. Darbey was ahout to make a witty 
remark once. 

Georgiaxa. 
Yes, and then the servant handed him a dish and 
he shied at it. So we lost that. 

Salome. 
Still, we ought to congratulate ourselves upon 

a — upon a 

Sheba. 

Upon a — upon a 

Georgiaxa. 
Upon a frightfully jolly dinner. [Taking her bet- 
ting book from her pocket. ~\ Excuse me, girls. I've 



BANDY DICK. 59 

some figures to work out. If Dandy Dick hasn't fed 
better at the " Swan " than we have at the Dean- 
ery, he won't be in the first three. [Reckoning. ~\ Let 
me see. 

Salome. 
[ To Sheba.] All's settled, Sheba, isn't it ? 

Sheba. 
[ To Salome.] Yes — everything. Directly the 
house is silent we let ourselves out at the front 
door. 

Salome. 
How do we get in again ? 

Sheba. 
By this window. It has a patent safety fastening, 
so it can be opened with a hairpin. 

Salome. 
We're courageous girls, aren't we? 

Sheba. 
Yes, I don't consider we're ordinary young ladies, 
at all. 

Salome. 
If we had known Aunt a little longer we might 
have confided in her and taken her with us. 

Sheba. 
Poor Aunt — we mustn't spoil her. 

Dakbey. 
[Speaking outside.'] I venture to differ with you, 
my dear Dean. 



GO DANDY DICK. 

Georgian a. 

Here come the wax- works ! 

[She joins the girls as Darbey enters through 
the Library, patronizing The Dean, who 
accompanies him. 

Darbey. 

Haw ! I've just been putt ing the Dean right about 

a little army question, Mrs. — Mrs. I can't catch 

your name. 

Georgiana. 
Don't try — you'd come out in spots, like measles. 
[Darbey stands by her, blankly, then attempts 
a conversation. 

The Dean. 
\_To Salome and Sheba.] Children, it is useless to 
battle against it much longer. 

Salome. 

Against what, Papa '. J 

The Dean. 

A feeling of positive distaste for Mr. Darbey. 

Sheba. 

Oh, Papsey — think what Wellington was at his 
age. 

Major Tarver enters, pale and //aygard. 

Salome meets him. 

Salome. 
Major! 

Tarver, 
[ With a gasp.~\ Oh ! 



DANDY DICK. 61 

Salome. 

Not well again ? 

Tarver. 
Indigestion. I'm always like this after dinner. 

Salome. 
But what would you do if the trumpet summoned 
you to battle ? 

Tarver: 
Oh, I suppose T should pack up a few charcoal 
biscuits and toddle oat, you know. 

Georgiana. 
[ To Darbey.] I've never studied the Army Guide. 

Darbey. 
You're thinking of 

Georgian a. 
The Turf Guide — beg pardon. I mean, the Army 
keeps a string of trained nurses, doesn't it ? 

Darbey. 
There are Army nurses. 

Georgian a. 
Certainly. I was wondering whether your Colonel 
will send one with a perambulator to fetch you at 
about half-past eight. 

[She leaves Darbey and goes to The Dean. 
Sheba joins Darbey at the piano. 

Georgiana. 
Well, Gus, my boy, you seem out of condition. 



62 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 
I'm rather anxious for the post to bring to-day's 
" Times." You know I've offered a thousand pounds 
to our Restoration Fund. 

Georgian a. 
What ! 

The Deax. 

Hush— I'll tell you. 

[They talk in undertones. Blore enters to 
remove the tea-tret/. 

Tarter. 

[Jumping up excitedly — to Salome.] Eh? Oh, 
certainly — delighted! [Singing to him self. ~] "Come 
into the garden, Maud, for the black bat " 

Salome. 

Now you're yourself again. 

Tar veil 

I'm always dreadfully excited when I'm asked to 

sing. It's as good as a carbonate of soda lozenge to 

me to be asked to sing. [ To Blore.] My music is 

in my overcoat pocket. [Blore crosses to the door. 

Siieba. 
And Mr. Darbey has brought his violin. 

Tarver. 
[In a rage, glaring at Darbey.] Hah ! There now ! 

Darbey. 
[To Blore.] You'll find it in the hall. 

[Blore goes out. The Dean dozes in a, chair. 
Salome and Siieba talk to Georgiana at 
the table, 



DANDY DICK. <):{ 

Tarver. 
[ To himself.'] lie always presumes with his con- 
founded fiddle when I'm going to entertain, lie 
knows that his fiddle's never hoarse and that I am, 
sometimes. 

Darbey. 
[To himself.'] Tarver always tries to cut me out 
with his elderly Chest C. Pie ought to put it on the 
Retired List. 

Tarver. 
I'll sing him off his legs to-night — I'm in lovely 
voice. 

[He walks into the Library and is heard 
trying his voice, singing " Come into the 
garden, Maud" 

Darbey. 
[ To himself.] He needn't bother himself. While 
he was dozing in the carriage I threw his music out 
of the window. 

Tarver re-enters triumphantly. 

Blore re-enters, carrying a violin-case and a leather 
music roll. Darbey takes the violin-case, opens 
it, and produces his violin and music. Blore 
hands the music roll to Tarver and goes out. 

Tarver. 
[To Salome, trembling with excitement.] My tones 
are like a beautiful bell this evening. I'm so glad, 
for all our sakes. [As he takes the leather music roll 
from Blore.] Thank you, that's it. 

Salome. 
What will you begin with ? 



64 DANDY DICK. 

Tarver. 
" Come into the garden, Maud." Fve begun with 
"Come into the garden, Maud" for years and years. 
\_lle opens the music roll — it is erupt;/.'] Oh! Miss 
Jedd, I've forgotten my music! 

Salome and Sheba. 
Oh ! Major Tarver ! 

[Tarver with a groan of despair sinks on to 
the settee. 

Sheba. 
Never mind — Mr. Darbey will play. 

D ABBEY. 

[Tuning his violin.] Will you accompany me? 

Sheba. 
[Raisin <j her ei/es.] To the end of the world. 

[she sits at the piano. 

Darbey. 
My mother says that my bowing is something like 
Joachim's, and she ought to know. 

Sheba. 

Why ? 

Darbey. 

Oh, because she's heard Joachim. 

[Darbey plays and Sheba accompanies him. 
Salome sits beside Taiiver. 

Georgian a. 
[ To herself.] Well, after all, George, my boy, you're 
not stabled ' in such a bad box ! Here is a regular 
pure, simple, English Evening at Home ! 



DANDY DICK. 65 

The Dean. 
[Mumbling to himself] A thousand pounds to the 
Restoration Fund and all those bills to settle — oh 
dear ! oh dear ! What shall I do ? 

Salome. 

[ To herself] I hope my ball- dress will drive all 
the other women mad ! 

Tarver. 
[ To himself — glariny at Darbey.] I feel I should 
like to garrote him with his bass string. 

Georgiana. 
[Frowning at her betting book.] I think I shall 
hedge a bit over the Crumbleigh Stakes. 

Darbey. 
[As he plays, glancing at Tarver.] I wonder how 
old Tarver's Chest C likes a holiday. 

Sheba. 
[As she plays.] We must get Pa to bed early. 
Dear Papa's always so dreadfully in the way. 

Georgiana. 
[Looking arotmd.] No — there's nothing like it in 
any other country. A regular, pure, simple, English 
Evening at Home i 

Blore enters quickly, cutting " The Times" with 
a paper-knife as he enters. 

Blore. 
The paper's just arrived. 

[The music stoyis abruptly — all the ladies 
glare at Blore and hush him down. 

Georgiana, Salome, and Sheba. 
Sssssh ! 

5 



66 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 
[Taking the paper from Blore.] This is my fault 
— there may be something in " The Times " of 
special interest to me. Thank you, Blore. 

[Blore goes out. 
Tarver. 
Ha, ha, ha ! spoilt his pianissimo ! 

The Dean. 
[Scanning the paper. ,] Oh, I can't believe it! 

Georgiana. 
What's the matter ? 

Salome and Sheba. 
Papa! 

Tarver and Darbey. 
The Dean ! 

The Dean. 
Children ! Georgiana ! Friends ! My munificent 
offer has produced the desired result. 

Salome and Sheba. 
Oh! 

The Dean. 
Seven wealthy people, including three brewers, 
have come forward with a thousand pounds apiece 
in aid of the restoration of the Minster Spire! 

Salome and Sheba. 
{Horrified^ Ah! 

Georgiana. 
That means a cool thousand out of your pocket, 
Gus, 



BANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 
Yes. [Reading.'] " The anxiety to which The Dean 
of St. Marvells has so long been a victim will now 
doubtless be relieved." [With his hand to his head.] 
I suppose I shall feel the relief to-morrow. 

Georgiana. 
What's wrong with the Spire ? Nobody sleeps in 
it? 

The Dean. 

It is a little out of repair — but hardly sufficiently 
so to warrant the presumptuous interference of three 
brewers. Excuse me, I think I'll enjoy the fresh 
air for a moment. [lie goes to the window and draws 
back the curtains — a bright red glare is seen in the 
sky.] Bless me ! Look there ! 

Georgiana, Salome, and Sheba. 
Oh! what's that? 

Tiie Dean. 
It's a conflagration ! 

Salome. 
[ Clinging to Tarver.] Where is it ? Are we safe ? 

Sheba. 
[Clinqing to D abbey.] Where is it? Are we 
safe ? 

Geoegiana. 
Where is it ? 

Bloee enters with a scared look. 

The Dean. 
[To Blobe.] Where is it? 



68 DAN BY BlCK. 

All. 
Where is it ? 

Blore. 
The old Swan Inn's a-fire ! 

[The gate-bell is heard ringing violently in the dis- 
tance. Blore goes out. 

Georgiana. 
[ Uttering a loud screech."] The Swan Inn ! [Madly. 1 
You girls, get me a hat and coat. Somebody fetch 
me a pair of boots ! 

[Salome, Siieba, and Tarver go to the 
window. 

The Dean. 
Georgiana ! 

Georgian a. 
Don't talk to me ! [ To Tarver.] Lend me your 
boots ! 

Tarver. 
I daren't. If I once get cold extremities 

Georgiana. 
Ah! 

[She is going, The Dean stops her. 

The Dean. 
Respect yourself, Georgiana — where are you 
going? 

Georgiana. 
Going! I'm going to help clear the stables at 
The Swan ! 

The Dean. 
Remember what you are— my sister — a lady ! 



DANDY DICK. 61) 

Georgian a. 
I'm not. George Tidd's a man, every inch of her ! 
[Sir Tristram rushes in breathlessly. Grorgiana 
rushes at him and clutches his coat.] Tris Marclon, 
speak ! 

Sir Tristram. 
[Exhausted. ~] Oh! 

Georgiana. 
The horse ? The horse ! You've got him out ? 

Sir Tristram. 
Yes, safe and sound. 

Georgiana. 
Safe and sound ! That old horse has backed him- 
self to win the handicap. 

[She sinks into a chair. Tarver and Darbey 
with Salome and Sheba stand looking out 
of the window. 

Sir Tristram. 
George, his tail is singed a bit. 

Georgiana. 
The less weight for him to carry to-morrow. 
[Beginning to cry.~\ Dear old Dandy, he never was 
much to look at. 

Sir Tristram. 
The worst of it is, the fools threw two pails of cold 
water over him to put it out. 

Georgiana. 
Oh ! that's done him ! 



70 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 
Now, my dear Georgiana ! what is a horse ? 

Georgiana. 
A living example to a Dean. [The Dean goes dis- 
tractedly into the Library. ,] Where is the animal? 

Sir Tristram. 
My man Hatcham is running him up and down 
the lane here to try to get him warm again. 

Georgiana. 
Where are you going to put the homeless beast 
up now ? 

Sir Tristram. 
I don't know. 

Georgiana. 
[Starting up.'] I do though ! 

The Dean. 
Madwoman ! What are you going to do? 

Georgiana. 
Bring Dandy Dick into our stables ! 

The Dean. 
No, no ! 

Sir Tristram. 
The very place ! 

The Dean, 

Georgiana, pray consider me! 

Georgiana. 
So I will, when you've had two pails of water 
thrown over you. [The Dean walks about in 

despair. 



DANDY DICK. 71 

The Dean. 
Mardon, I appeal to you ! 

Sib Tristram. 
Oh, Dean, Dean, I'm ashamed of you ! 

Georgiana. 
[To Sir Tristram.] Are you ready? 

Sir Tristram. 
[Takes off his coat and throws it over Georgiana's 
shoulders.] George, you're a brick ! 

Georgiaxa. 
A brick, am I ? [ Quietly to him.'] One partner pulls 
Dandy out of the Swan — t'other one leads Dandy into 
the Deanery. Quits, my lad ! [ They go out together. 

The Dean. 
What is happening to me ! It will be in all the 
sporting papers. " Sir Tristram Mar don's Dandy 
Dick reflected great credit upon the Deanery 
Stables ! " " The Sporting Dean ! " 

[lie walks into the Library, where he sinks 
into a chair, as Salome, Tarver, Darbey 
and Sheba come from the window. 

Tarver. 
They're getting the flames under. If I had had 
my goloshes with me I should have been here, there, 
and everywhere. 

Darbey. 
Where there's a crowd of Civilians the Military 
exercise a wise discretion in restraining themselves. 



72 BANDY DICK. 

Sheba. 
[ To Tarver andDAKBEY.'] You had better go now; 
then we'll get the house quiet as soon as possible. 
Poor Papa looks worried. 

Siieba and Salome. 
Poor Papa ! 

Tarver. 

We will wait with the carriage in the lane. 

Salome. 
Yes, yes. [ Calling.] Papa, Major Tarver and Mr. 
Darbey must go. 

\_fthe rings the bell. The Dean comes from 
the Library. 

The Dean. 
Dear me, I'm very remiss ! 

Tarver. 
[Shaking hands.'] Most fascinating evening ! 

Darbey. 
[Shaking hands. ~\ Charming, my dear Dean. 
Blore enters. 

Salome. 
Major Tarver's carriage. 

Blore. 
Hat the gate, Miss Salome. 
Salome. 
Don't risk the cold, Papa. 

[Blore goes out, folloived by Sheba, Salome, 
and Tarver. Darbey is going, when he 
returns to The Dean, 



DANDY DICK. 73 

Darbey. 
By-the-bye, my dear Dean — come over and see me. 
We ought to know more of each other. Say Mon- 
day. 

The Dean. 
[Restraining Ids anger.'] I will not say Monday ! 

Darbey. 

Any time you like. Oh — and I say — let me know 
when you preach, and I'll get some of our fellows to 
give their patronage ! [He goes out. 

The Dean. 

[Closing the door after him with a bang.] Another 
moment — another moment — and I fear I should have 
been violently rude to him, a guest under my roof ! 
\ He walks up to the fireplace and stands looking into 
the fire, as Darbey, having forgotten his violin, returns 
to the room.] Oh, Blore, now understand me, if that 
Mr. Darbey ever again pres nines to present himself 
at the Deanery I will not see him ! 

Darbey. 
[ With his violin in his hand, haughtily.'] I've come 
back for my violin. [ Goes out with dignity. 

The Dean. 
[Horrified.'] Oh, Mr. Darbey ! Hear an explana- 
tion, Mr.' Darbey ! 

[He runs out after Darbey. Georgiana and Sir 
Tristram enter by the vrindow. 

Georgiana. 
Don't be down, Tris, my boy ; cheer up, lad, he'll 
be fit yet, bar a chill ! Aha ! he knew me, he knew 
me when I kissed his dear old nose ! 



74- BANDY DICK. 

Sir Tristram. 
Ile'd be a fool of a horse if he hadn't felt deuced 
flattered at that. 

Georgiana. 
lie's no fool. lie knows he's in the Deanery too. 
Did you sec him cast up his eyes and lay his ears 
back when I led him in ? 

Sir Tristram. 
Oh, George, George, it's such a pity about his tail ! 

Georgiana. 

[ Cheerily.'] Not it. You watch his head to-mor- 
row — that'll come in first. 

[Hatcham, a groom, looks in at the window. 

Hatcham. 
Are you there, Sir ? 

Sir Tristram. 
What is it ? 

Hatcham. 

I jest run round to tell you that Dandy is a feedin' 
as steady as a baby with a bottle. 

Georgiana. 
Don't you close your eyes all night. 

Hatcham. 

Not me, mum. And I've got hold of the constable 
'ere, Mr. Topping — he's going to sit up with me, for 
company's sake. 

Sir Tristram. 
The constable ? 



DAXDY DICK. 



Hatcham. 



Yes, Sir Tristram. [Coming forward myste- 
riously.'] Why, bless you and the lady, sir— supposin' 
the fire at the tw Swan 1 ' warn't no accident! 

Georgiana. 
Eh? 

Hatcham. 
Supposin' it were inciderism — and supposin' our 
'orse was the hobject. 

Sir Tristram. 
Good gracious ! 

Hatcham. 
That's why I ain't goin' to watch single-handed. 

Sir Tristram. 
Get back then — get back ! 

[Sir Tristram and Georgiana pace up and 
doivn excitedly. 

Hatcham. 
Right, Sir. There's only one mortal fear I've got 
about our Dandy. 

Georgiana and Sir Tristram. 
What's that? 

Hatcham. 
He 'asn't found out about 'is tail yet, sir, and when 
he does it'll fret him, as sure as my name's Bob 
Hatcham. 

Sir Tristram. 
Keep the stable pitch dark — he mayn't notice it, 

Hatcham. 
Not tonight, sir, but he's a proud 'orse and what']]. 



70 DANDY DICK. 

he think of 'isself on the 'ill to-morrow ? You and 
me and the lady, sir — it 'ud be different with us, but 
how's our Dandy to hide his bereavement ? 

[Hatcham (joes out of the window with Sir Tristram 
as The Deax enters, followed by Blore, who 
carries a lighted lantern. 

The Deax. 
[Looking reprouchfully at Georgiana.] You have 
returned, Georgiana ? 

Georgiana. 
Yes, thank ye. 

The Deax. 
And that animal ? 

Georgiana. 
In our stables, safe and snug. 

The Deax. 
[ With a groan. ~] Oh ! 

Georgiana. 
You can sleep to-night with the happy conscious- 
ness of having sheltered the outcast. 

The Dean. 

We're locking up now. The poor children, ex- 
hausted with the alarm, beg me to say good-night 
for them. The fire is quite extinguished. 

Blore. 
Yes, sir; but I hear they've just sent into Durn- 
stone hasking for the Military to watch the ruins in 
case of another houtbreak. It'll stop the wicked 
Ball at the Hathanseum, it will ! 

[Drawing the window curtain-"-* 



BANDY DICK. 77 

Sir Tristram. 
[Having re-entered.'] I suppose you want to see the 
last of me, Jedd. 

The Dean. 
Mardon ! 

Georgian a. 
Don't be unkind, Tris. Where shall we stow the 
dear old chap, Gus, my boy ? 

The Dean. 

Where shall we stow the dear old chap ! I really 
don't know. 

Georgiana. 
Let me see. We don't want to pitch you out of 
your loft if we can help it, Gus. 

Sir Tristram. 
No, no — we won't do that. 

The Dean. 

Don't consider me in this manner. But there's 
Sheba's little cot still standing in the old nursery. 

Sir Tristram. 
Just the thing for me— the old nursery. 

Georgiana. 

The old nursery. Toys to play with if you wake 
early. 

The Dean. 

[Looking round.'] Is there anyone else before we 
lock up ? 

[Blore has fastened the window and drawn the 
curtain. 



78 DANDY DICK. 

Georgiana. 
Put Sir Tristram to bed carefully in the nursery. 
Blore. 

Sir Tristram. 
[Gfrasping The Dean's hand?] Good-night, old 
boy. I'm too done for a hand of Picjuet to-night. 

The Dean. 
I never play cards. 

Sik Tristram. 
[Slapping him on the back."] I'll teach you during 
my stay at the Deanery. 

The Dean. 

[Helplessly to himself.'] Then he's staying with 
me! 

Sir Tristram. 
Good-night, George. 

Georgiana. 
Good-night, partner. Heaven bless the little inno- 
cent in his cot. [Sin Tristram goes out icith Blore. 

Georoiana. 
[Calling after him.] Tris ! You may take your 
pipe up with you. We smoke all over the Deanery. 

The Dean. 

[ To himself] I never smoke ! Does she f 

Georgiana. 
[ Closes the door, humming a tune merrily. ] Tra la, 
tra la! Now, Mr. Tidd, we'll toddle. Tra la! tra 
la! [She stops, looking at The Dean,«?Ao is mut- 
tering to himself.] Gus, I don't like your looks, I 



BANDY DICK. 79 

shall let the Yet see you in the morning. What's 
wrong with you ? 

[The Dean shakes his head mournfully, and 
sinks on the settee. 

Georgiana. 
Money ? 

The Dean. 
There are bills, which, at a more convenient time, 
it will be my grateful duty to discharge. 

Georgiana. 
And you're short ? 

The Dean. 
Short ? 

Georgiana. 
Stumped — out of coin — run low. What'll square 
the bills ? 

The Dean. 
Very little would settle the bills — but — but — 

Georgiana. 
I know — the Spire. Why, Gus, you haven't got 
that thousand. 

The Dean. 
There is a very large number of estimable worthy 
men who do not possess a thousand pounds. With 
that number I have the mournful pleasure of en- 
rolling myself. 

Georgiana. 
When's the settling day ? 

The Dean. 
Eh? 



80 2) ANDY DICK. 

Georgiaxa. 
When will you have to fork out ? 

The Dean. 
Unless the restoration is immediately commenced 
the spire will certainly crumble. 

Georgiaxa. 
Then it's a match between you and the spire 
which parts first. Gus, will you let your little sister 
lend you a hand ? 

The Dean. 
My dear Georgiana, impossible ! 

Georgian a. 
No, no — not out of my own pocket. Come here. 
[JShe takes his arm and whispers in his ear.'] Can 
you squeeze a pair of ponies ? 

The Deax. 
Can I what ? 

Georgiaxa. 
Can you raise fifty pounds ? 

The Deax. 
Certainly. More than fifty pounds. 

Georgiaxa. 
No — no, don't be rash ! That's the worst of you 
beginners. Only fifty by to-morrow morning. 

The Deax. 

Most assuredly. 

Georgiana. 
Very well then — clap it on to Dandy Dick ! 



DANDY DICK. 81 

The Dean. 

[ With horror."] What ! 

Georgiana. 

He's a certainty — if those two buckets of water 
haven't put him off it ! He's a moral — if he doesn't 
think of his tail coming down the hill. There's 
nothing like him at the weight. Keep it, dark, Gus 
— don't breathe a word to any of your Canons or 
Archdeacons, or they'll rush at it and shorten the 
price for us. Go in, Gus, my boy— take your poor 
widowed sister's tip and sleep a§ peacefully as a 
blessed baby ! 

[ She presses him warmly to her and kisses him. 
The Dean. 

[HJxtricating himself'.'] Oh ! Mrs. Tidman ! Go to 
your room ! 

Georgiana. 
Augustin ! 

The Dean. 
In the morning I will endeavor to frame some 
verbal expression of the horror with which I regard 
your proposal. For the present, you are my parents' 
child and I trust your bed is well aired. 

Georgiana. 
Oh, very well, Augustin. I've done all I can for 
the Spire. Bon soir, old boy ! 

The Dean. 
Good-night. 

Georgiana. 
If you're wiser in the morning just send Blore on 
to the course and he'll put the money on for you. 

6 



82 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 

Blore! My poor devoted old servant would be 
lost on a race-course. 

Georgian a. 
Would he ! He was quite at home in Tattersall's 
Ring when I was at St. Marvells last summer. 

The Dean. 

Blore ! 

Georgian a. 
Blore. I recognized the veteran sportsman the 
moment I came into the Deanery. 

The Dew. 
What was my butler doing at St. Marvells Races ? 
Blore enters with his lantern. 

Georguana. 

Investing the savings of your cook and housemaid, 
of course. You don't think your servants are as 
narrow as you are ! 

The Dean. 
Oh! 

Bloke. 
I beg your pardon, sir, shall I go the rounds, sir ? 
[The Dean gives Blore a fierce look, but 
Blore beams sweetly. 

Georgiana. 
Blore ! 

Blore. 
Mum? 



DAiStBY DICK. 83 

Georgiana. 
Breakfast at nine, sharp. And pack a hamper 
with a cold chicken, some French rolls, and two 
bottles of Heidsieck — label it " George Tidd," and 
send it on to the Hill. I'll stand the racket. Good- 
night. 

[She goes out. The Dean sinks into a chair 
and clasps his forehead. 

Blore. 
A dear, 'igh-sperited lady. [Leaning over The 
Dean.] Aren't you well, sir ? 

The Dean. 
Serpent ! 

Blore. 
Meanin' me, sir ? 

The Dean. 
Lock up ; I'll speak to you hi the morning. Lock 
up. 

[Blore goes into the Library, turns out the 
lamp titer e, and disappears. 

What dreadful wave threatens to engulf the 
Deanery ? What has come to us in a few fatal hours ? 
A horse of sporting tendencies contaminating my 
stables, his equally vicious owner nestling in the 
nursery, and my own widowed sister, in all proba- 
bility, smoking a cigarette at her bedroom window 
with her feet on the window-ledge! [Listening.'] 
What's that? [He peers through the window cur- 
tains.] I thought I heard footsteps in the garden. 
I can see nothing — only the old spire standing out 
against the threatening sky. [Leaving the window 
shudderingly .~\ The Spire ! My principal creditor ! 



84 BANDY DICK. 

My principal creditor, the most conspicuous object 
in the city ! 

Blore re-enters with his lantern, carrying some 
bank-notes in his hand. 
Bloke. 
[Laying the notes on the table.'] I found these, sir, 
on your dressing-table — they're bank-notes, sir. 

The Dean. 
[Taking the notes.] Thank you. I placed them 
there to be sent to the Bank to-morrow. [ Counting 
tin notes.'] Ten — ten — twenty — five — five, fifty. Fifty 
pounds! The very sum Georgiana urged me to — 
oh! [ fo Blore, waving him away."] Leave me — go 
to bed — go to bed — go to bed ! [Bloke is going.'] 
Blore ! 

Bloke. 
Sir? 

The Dean. 
What made you tempt me with these at such a 
moment ? 

Bloke. 
Temp' you, sir ! The window was hopen, and I 
feared they might blow away. 

The Dean. 

[Catching him by the coat collar.'] Man, what were 
you doing at St. Marvells Races last summer? 

Blore. 
[ With a erg, falling on his knees.] Oh, sir! Oh, sir ! 
I knew that 'igh-sperited lady would bring grief and 
sorrow to the peaceful, 'appy Deanery ! Oh, sir, I 
'aye done a little on my hown account from time to 
time on the 'ill, halso lion commission for the kitchen J 



DANDY DICK. 85 

The Dean. 
I knew it — I knew it ! 

Blore. 
Oh, sir, you are a old gentleman — turn a charitable 
'art to the Races ! It's a wicious institution what 
spends more ready money in St. Marvells than us 
good people do in a year. 

The Dean. 
Get up, Blore — get up. Oh, Edward Blore, Ed- 
ward Blore, what weak creatures we are ! 

Blore. 
We are, sir — we are — 'specially when we've got a 
tip, sir. Think of the temptation of a tip, sir. 

The Dean. 
I do, Blore — I do. 

Blore. 
I confess heverything, sir. Bonny Betsy's bound 
for to win the 'anclicap. 

The Dean. 
No, no — she isn't. 

Blore. 
She is, sir. 

The Dean. 
I know better ; she can never get down the hill 
with those legs of hers. 

Blore. 
She can, sir — what's to beat her? 

The Dean. 
The horse in my stable — Dandy Dick ! 



86 DANDY DICK. 

Bloke. 
Dandy Dick! That old bit of ma'ogany, sir. 
They're layin' ten to one against him. 

The Dean. 
[ With hysterical eagerness.'] Are they ? I'll take it ! 
I'll take it ! 

.Blore. 
Lord love you, sir — fur how much ? 

The Dean. 
Fifty ! There's the money. [Impulsively he crams 
thenotes into Blore' s hand and then recoils inhorror.] 
Oh ! [/Sinks into a chair with a groan. 

Blore. 
[In a whisper.'] Lor', who'd 'ave thought the Dean 
was such a ardent sportsman at 'art? He dursn't 
give me my notice after this. [ To The Dean.] Of 
course it's understood, sir, that we keep our little 
weaknesses dark. Houtwardly, sir, we remain re- 
spectable, and, I 'ope, respected. [Patting the notes 
into his pocket.] I wish you good-night, sir. [lie 
walks to the door. The Dean makes an effort to recall 
him but fails.] And that old man 'as been my pattern 
and example for years and years! Oh, Edward 
Blore, your hidol is shattered ! [ Turning to The 
Dean.] Good-night, sir. May y( ur dreams be calm 
and 'appy, and may you have a good run for your 
money ! 

[Blore goes out — The Dean gradually re- 
covers his self-possession. 

The Dean. 

I — I am upset to-night, Blore. Of course you leave 
this day month. I — I [looking round.] Blore! He's 



BANDY DICK. 87 

gone ! If I don't call him back the Spire may be 
richer to-morrow by five hundred pounds. I won't 
dwell on it. I'll read — I'll read. [Snatches a book 
at haphazard from the bookshelf. There is the sound of 
falling rain and distant thunder. ] Rain, thunder. 
How it assimilates with the tempest of my mind ! 
I'll read. Bless me ! This is very strange/ [Head- 
ing.] " The Horse and its Ailments, by John Cox, 
M. R. C. V. S." It was with the aid of this volume 
that I used to doctor my old mare at Oxford. A leaf 
turned down. [Beading.'] " Simple remedies for 
chills — the Bolus." The helpless beast in my stable 
is suifering from a chill. Good gracious ! If I allow 
Blore to risk my fifty pounds on Dandy Dick, surely 
it would be advisable to administer this Bolus to the 
poor animal without delay. [Referring to the book 
hastily.] I have these drugs in my chest. There's 
not a moment to be lost ! [ Going to the bell and ring- 
ing.] I shall want help. I'll fetch my medicine chest. 
[He lags the book upon the table and goes 
into the Library. 

Blore enters. 
Blore. 
[Looking round.] Where is he? The bell rang. 
The Dean's puzzling me with his uncommon be- 
havior, that he is. 

[The Dean comes from the Library, carrying 
a large medicine chest. On encountering 
Blore he starts and turns away his head, 
the picture of guilt. 

The Dean. 
Blore, I feel it would be a humane act to admin- 
ister to the poor ignorant animal in my stable a 
simple Bolus as a precaution against chill. I rely 



88 BANDY DICK. 

upon your aid and discretion in ministering to any 
guest in the Deanery. 

Blore. 

[In a whisper."] I see, sir — you ain't going to lose 
half a chance for to-morrow, sir.— youre a knowin ' 
one, sir, as the say in 1 goes ! 

The Dean. 

[Shrinking from Blore with a groan.'] Oh! [lie 
places the medicine chest on the table and takes up the 
book. Sanding the hook to Bloke with his-flnger on 

apaff£.] Fetch these humble but necessary articles 
from the kitchen — quick. I'll mix the Bolus here. 
[Blore goes out quickly.] It is exactly seven and 
twenty years since I last approached a horse medi- 
cally. [He takes off his coat and lays it on a chair, 
then rolls his shirt-sleeves up above his elbows and 
puts on his glasses^ I trust that this Bolus will 
not give the animal an unfair advantage over his 
competitors. I don't desire that! I don't desire 
that ! [Blore n -> nters carrying a tray, on which are 
a small flour-barrel and rolling-pin, a white china 
basin, a carafe of water, « napkin^ and the hook. 
The Dean recoils, thru guiltily takes the tray from 
Blore and puts it on the table.] Thank you. 

Blore. 

[Holding on to the window curtain and watching 

The Dean.] His eyes is awful ; I don't seem to know 
the 'appy Deanery when I see such proceedings 
a'goin' on at the dead of night. 

[There is a heart/ roll of thunder — The Deax 
mixes a pudding and, stirs it with the 
rolling-pin. 



DANDY DICK. 89 

The Dean. 

The old half- forgotten time returns to me. I am 
once again a promising youth at college. 

Bloee. 
[ To himself.] One would think by his looks that 
he was goin' to poison his family instead of — Poison ! 
Poison ! Oh, if hanything serious 'appened to the 
hanimal in our stable there would be nothing in the 
way of Bonny-Betsy, the deservin' 'orse I've trusted 
with my 'ard -earned savings ! 

The Deax. 
I am walking once again in the old streets at 
Oxford, avoiding the shops where I owe my youthful 
bills. Bills ! 

[^ITe pounds away vigorously with tlie rolling -pin. 

Bloee. 
[ To himself. ~] Where's the stuff I got a month ago 
to destroy the hold black retriever that fell hill ? 

The Deax. 
Bills ! 

Bloee. 
The dog died — the poison's in my pantry — it 
couldn't have got used for cooking purposes. 

The Dean. 
I see the broad meadows and the tall Spire of the 
college — the Spire ! Oh, my whole life seems made 
up of Bills and Spires i 

Bloee. 
[ To himself.'] I'll do it ! I'll do it ! 

[ Unseen by The Deax he quickly and quietly 
steals out by the door. 



90 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 
Where are the drugs — the drugs ? [Opening the 
medicine chest and bending down oner the bottles he 
pours some drops from a bottle into the basing 
[Counting.'] Three — four — five — six. [lie replaces 
the bottle and takes another.] How fortunate some 
animals are ! [ Counting.'] One — two — three, four. 
It's done ! 

[Taking up the medicine chest he goes with 
it into the Library. 

As he disappears Blore re-enters stealthily fingering 
a small paper packet. 

Bloke. 

[In a ichisper.] Strychnine ! [ There is a heavy roll 
of thunder — Blore darts to the table, empties the con- 
tents of the packet into the basin, and stirs vigorously 
with the rolling-pin.] I've cooked Dandy Dick! I've 
cooked Dandy Dick ! [He moves front the table in 
horror.] Oh! I'm only a hamatoor sportsman and I 
can't afford a uncertainty. [As The Dean returns, 
Blore starts up guiltily.] Can I help you any more, 
Sir? 

The Dea\. 

No, remove these dreadful things, and don't let me 
see you again to-night ! 

[Sits with the basin on his knees, and pro- 
ceeds to roll the paste. 

Blore. 

[Removing the tray.] It's only an 'orse — it's only 
an 'orse ! But after to-morrow I'll retire from the 
Turf, if only to reclaim 'im. [He goes out. 



DANDY DICK. 91 

The Dean. 
[Putting on his coat.'] I don't contemplate my hu- 
mane task with resignation. The stable is small, 
and if the animal is restive we shall be cramped for 
room. [ lite rain is heard.] I shall get a chill too. 
[/Seeing Sir Tristram's coat and cap lying upon the 
settee.] I am sure Mardon will lend me this gladly. 
[Putting on the coat, which completely envelops him.] 
The animal may recognize the garment, and receive 
me with kindly feeling. [Putting on the sealskin cap, 
which almost conceals his face.] ITgh ! why do I feel 
this dreadful sinking at the heart ? [ Taking the 
basin and turning out the lamp?] Oh ! if all followers 
of the veterinary science are as truly wretched as I 
am, what a noble band they must be ! 

[ The thunder rolls as he goes through the window 
curtains. Sir Tristram, then enters quietly, 
smoking, and carrying a lighted candle. 

Sir Tristram. 
All right; fire still burning. [Plowing out the 
candle.] I shall doze here till daybreak. What a 
night ! I never thought there was so much thunder 
in these small country places. 

[Georgiana, looking pale and agitated, and wearing 
a dressing-gown, enters quickly, carrying an 
umbrella and a lighted candle. 

Georgiana. 

Which is the nearer way to the stable? I must 
satisfy myself — I must — I must! [Going to the 
door.] 

Sir Tristram. 

[Pising suddenly.] Hullo ! 



92 BANDY DICK. 

Georgian a. 
[/Shrieks with fright.'] Ah! 

Sir Tristram. 
Hush! 

Georgian a. 

[Holding out her umbrella.'] Stand where you are 
or I'll lire ! [Recognizing Sir Tristram.] Tris ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Why, George ! 

Georgiana. 
Oh, Tris, I've been dreaming! {Falling helplessly 
against Sie Tristram, who deposits her in a chair.] 
Oh! oh! oh! Don't look at me ! I'm overtrained. 
I shall be on my legs again in a minute. 

[She opens her umbrella and hides herself 
behind it,sobbing violently. 

Sir Tristram. 
[Standing over the umbrella in (/rent concern.] My 
goodness! George, whatever shall I do? Shall I 
trot you up and down outside ? 

Georgia n.\. 
Be quiet! [Sobbing.] What are you fooling about 
here for ? Why can't you lie quietly in your cot ? 

Sir Tristram. 

Confound that cot ! Why, it wouldn't hold my 
photograph. Where are you going ? 

Georgiana. 
Into the stable to sit with Dandy. The thunder's 
awful in my room ; when it gets tired it seems to sit 



DANDY DICK. 93 

down on my particular bit of roof. I did doze 
once, and then I had a frightful dream. I dreamt 
that Dandy had sold himself to a circus, and that 
they were hooting him because he had lost his tail. 
There's an omen ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Don't, don't — be a man, George, be a man ! 

Georgiana. 
[■Shuffling her umbrella. ~\ I know I'm dreadfully 
effeminate. There — Tidd's himself again ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Bravo ! 

Georgian a. 
Ah, Tris — don't think me soft, old man. I'm a 
lonely, unlucky woman, and the tail end of this horse 
is all that's left me in the world to love and to cling 
to! 

Sir Tristram. 
No, by Jove ! I'm not such a mean cur as that ! 
Swop halves and take his head, George, my boy. 

Georgiana. 
Not I ! I'm like a doating mother to my share of 
Dandy, and it's all the dearer because it's an invalid. 
I'm off. 

Sir Tristram. 
Come along ! [ Turning towards the window, she 
following him, he suddenly stops and looks at her, 
and seizes her > hand. .] George, I never guessed that 
you were so tender-hearted. 

Georgiana. 
Well, I'm not. 



94 DANDY DICK. 

Sir Tristram. 

And you've robbed me to-night of an old friend — 
a pal. 

Georgiana. 
I — what d'ye mean ? 

Sir Tristram. 
I mean that I seem to have dropped the acquaint- 
ance of George Tidd, Esquire, forever. 

Georgiana. 
Tris — no. 

Sir Tristram. 
I have — but I've got an introduction to his twin- 
sister, Georgiana ! 

Georgiana. 
[Snatching her hand away angrily, .] Stay where 
you are; I'll nurse my half alone. [/She goes to- 
wards the window, then starts back.] Hush! 

Sir Tristram. 
What's the matter ? 

Georgiana. 
Didn't you hear something ? 

Sir Tristram. 
Where ? 

Georgiana. 
[Pointing to the window.] There. 

Sir TrjsnaM. 
[Peeping through the curtains. [You're right. 
Some people moving about the garden. 



DANDY DICK. % 

Georgiana. 
Tris! The horse! 

Sir Tristram. 

They're not near the stables. They're coming in 

here. Hush ! We'll clear out and watch ! 

[Sir Tristram takes the candlestick and they go out, 

leaving the room in darkness. The curtains at 

the windovj are pushed aside, and Salome and 

Sheba enter ; both in their fancy dresses. 

Salome. 
\_ln a raqe,lighting the candles on the mantelpiece^ 
Oh! oh! oh! 

Sheba. 
Oh! oh! No ball after all ! 
Salome. 
If we only had a brother to avenge us ! 

Sheba. 
I shall try and borrow a brother to-morrow ! 

Salome. 
Cold, wretched, splashed, hi debt — for nothing ! 

Sheba. 
To think that we've had all the inconvenience of 
being wicked and rebellious and have only half 
done it! 

Salome. 
This comes of stooping to the Military ! 

Sheba. 
It serves us right — we've been trained for clergy- 
men's wives. I hate Nugent Darbey. I hope he may 
grow bald early ! 



96 DANDY DICK. 

Salome. 

Gerald Tarver's nose is inclined to pink — may it 
deepen and deepen till it frightens cows ! 

[ Voices are heard from the curtained window 
recess. 

Darbey. 

[Outside.] Miss Jedd — Sheba! 
Tarver. 

[ Outside.'] Pray hear tAVO wretched men ! Miss 
Jedd ! 

Salome. 
\_I71 a whisper.] There they are. 

Sheba. 
Shall we grant them a dignified interview ? 

Salome. 
Yes. Curl your lip, Sheba. 
Sheba. 
You curl your lip better than I — I'll dilate my 
nostrils. 

[Salome drawsaside thecurtain. Tarver and Darbey 
enter. They are both very badly and shabbily 
dressed as < 'avaliers. 

Tarver. 
[A most miserable object, carrying a carriage 
umbrella.] Oh, don't reproach us, Miss Jedd. It 
isn't our fault that the Military were summoned 
to St. Mar veils. 

Darbey. 
You don't blame officers and gentlemen for 
responding to the sacred call of duty ? 



DANDY DICK. 97 

Sheba. 
We blame officers for subjecting two motherless 
girls to the shock of alighting at the Durnstone 
Athenaeum to find a notice on the front door : " Ball 
knocked on the head — Vivat Regina." 

Salome. 

We blame gentlemen for inflicting upon us the 
unspeakable agony of being jeered at by boys. 

Tarver. 
I took the address of the boy who suggested that 
we should call again on the fifth of November. It 
is on the back of your admission card. 

Darbey. 
Everything will be done. We shall both wait on 
the boy's mother for an explanation. 

Tarver. 
Oh, smile on us once again, Miss Jedd — a forced, 
hollow smile, if you will — only smile. Salome ! 

Georgian a enters. 
Georgian a. 
Salome ! Sheba ! 

Salome and Sheba. 
Aunt! 

Georgiana. 
You bad girls ! 

Salome. 
[ Weeping.] No, Aunt, No ! 
Sheba. 
Not bad, Aunt — trustful and confiding. 
7 



08 DANDY DICX. 

Georgian a. 
[Advancing to Tarver.] How dare you encourage 
these two simple children to enjoy themselves! 
How dare you take them out — without their Aunt ! 
Do you think J can't keep a thing quiet ? 

Sheba. 
They didn't even ask Papa's permission ! 

Salome. 
Poor Papa ! 

Sheba. 
Poor, dear Papa ! 

Georgiana. 
[Shaking Tarver.] I'm speaking to you — Field- 
Marshal. 

Tarver. 
Madam, you are addressing an invalid. 

Darbey. 
We shall be happy to receive your representative 
in the morning. At present we are on duty. 

Tarver. 
On heavy duty. 

Darbey. 
Guarding the ruins of the " Swan " Inn. You 
mustn't distract our attention. 

Georgiana. 

Guarding the ruins of the " Swan," are you ? 
[ Calling.'] Tris ! Sir Tristram ! [Sir Tristram 
appears.] Tris, I'm a feeble woman, but I hope I've 
a keen sense of right and wrong. Run these out- 



DAN BY DICK. 

siders into the road, and let them guard their own 
ruins. 

[Salome and Sheba shriek, and throw them- 
selves at the feet of Tarver and Dar- 
bey, clinging to then' legs. 

Salome. 
No, no. Spare him ( 

Sheba. 

Yqu rof their heads. 

[Sir Tristram twists Tarver' s wig round so 
that it covers his face. TJt.e gate bell 
is heard ringing violently. 

Georgiana, Salome, and Sheba. 
What's that? 

Salome. 
It will wake Papa ! 

Sheba. 

Stop the bell! 

[Georgiana runs to the door and opens it. 

Salome. 

[To Tarver and Darbey.] Fh T ! 

[Tarver and Darbey disappear through 
the curtains at the window. 

Sheba. 
[Falling into Salome's ar7ns.~] We have saved 
them ! 

Georgiaxa. 
Oh, Tris, your man from the stable ! 



100 1) Ay 1)1' Dh /v. 

Sir Tristram. 
Hatcham ! 

Georgiana. 
[Calling."] Hatcham! 
[Hatcham, carrying the basin with the bolus, runs 
in breathlessly — -followed by Bloke. 

Hatcham. 

Oh, Sir Tristram! 

Georgiana and Sik Tristram. 
What is it ? 

Hatcham. 
The villain that set ore to the "Swan," sir — in 
the hact of administering a dose to the 'orsel 

Georgiana. 
Nobbling our Dandy ? 

Sik Tristram. 
Where is the scoundrel ? 

Hatcham. 
Topping the constable's collared him, Sir — he's 
taken him in a cart to thelock-up! 

Georgiana and Sir Tristram. 
Oh! 

Blore. 
\_In agony.] They've got the Dean! 

END OV 111 1 : SECOND ACT. 



DANDY DICK. 101 



THE THIRD ACT. 

The first scene is the interior of a country Police 
Station, a quaint old room with piaster walls, 
oaken beams, and a gothic mulUoned window 
looking on to the street. A massive door, with a 
small sliding trident ami an iron grating, opens 
to, a prisoner's cell. The room is partly furn ished 
as a kitchen, partly as a police station, a copy of 
the Police Regulations and other official docu- 
ments and implements hanging on the wall. It 
is the morning after the events of the previous 
act. 

Hawaii, a, buxom, fresh-looking young icbman, in a 
print gown, has been engaged in cooking while 
singing gayly. 

II A XX A II. 

[Opening a door and calling villi a slight dialect.] 
Noah darling! 

Noah. 
[From another room — in a rough, country coice.~\ 
Yaas ! 

Haxxaii. 
You'll have your dinner before you drive your 
prisoner over to Durnstone, won't ye, darling? 

Noah. 

Yaas ! 



102 DANDY DICK. 

Hannah. 
[ Closing the door.] Yaas ! Noah's in a nice temper 
to-day over sumraat. All well, I suppose all public 
characters is liable to irritation. [ Them is a knock 
at the outer door. Hannah opening it, sees Bloke 
with a troubled look on his face.] Well I never! 
Mr. Blore from the Deanery ! Comein! You might 
knock me down with a ! 

Blore. 
[Entering and shaking hands mournfully, ,] How 
do you do, Mrs. Topping? 

Hannah. 

And how is the dear Dean, bless him ; the sweet- 
est soul iii the world ? 

Blore. 

\_To himself.'] Good gracious! She doesn't know 
of hour misfortune. [ To Hannah.] I — I 'aven'tseen 
him this morning ! 

Hannah. 

Well, this is real kind of you, calling on an old 
friend, Edward. When I think that 1 were cook 
at the Deanery seven years, and thai since I left you, 
to get wedded, not a soul of you has been nigh me, 
it do seem hard. 

Blore. 

Well, you see, 'Annah, the kitchen took humbrage 
at your marryin' a policeman at Durnstone. It was 
regarded as a messyliance. 

Hannah. 

Well, now Mr. Topping's got the appointment of 
Head Constable at St. Marvells, what's that regarded 
as? 



\ 



BANDY DWK. 103 

Bloke. 
A rise on the scales, 'Annah, a decided rise — but 
still you've honly been a week in St, Marvells and 
you've got to fight your way hup. 

Hannah* 

I think I'm as hup as ever I'm like to be. 

Bloke. 
'Owever, Jane and Sarah and Willis the stable 
boy 'ave hunbent so far as to hask me to leave their 
cards, knowin' I was a callin'. 

[He produces from an old leather />< 

book three very dirty pieces of paste- 
board, which he gives to Hannah. 

Hannah. 

[Taking them in Iter apron with pride.~\ Thank 
'em kindly. When's their evening ? 

Bloke. 
We receive on Toosdays, at the side gate. And 
'ow are you, my dear ? [Kissing her cheek. 

Hannah. 
Don't, Edward Blore ! 

Bloke. 
Don't ! When you was Miss Hevans there wasn't 
these social barriers, 'Annah ! 

Hannah. 
Shut up ! Noah's jealous of the very apron- 
strings what go round my waist. I'm not so free 
and 'ancly with my kisses now, I can tell you. 

Bloke. 
Then " what is friendship but a name ! " But 
Mr. Topping isn't indoors now, surely ! 



104 DANDY DICK. 

Hannah* 

[Nodding her head.'] Um — uin ! 

Blore. 
Why, he took a man up last night ! 

Hannah. 

What of it ? 

Blore. 

Why, T thought that when hany harrest was 
made in St. Marvells, the prisoner was lodged here 
honly for the night and that the 'ead Constable 'ad 
to drive 'im over to Durnstone Police Station the 
first tiling in the morning. 

Hannah. 

That's the rule, but Noah's behindhand to-day, 
and ain't going into Durnstone till after dinner. 

Bloke. 

Then the prisoner is now hon the premises ! 

Hannah. 

Yes, he's in our cell. 

Blore. 
Ah ! And where is the hapartment in question ? 

Hannah. 
The cell ? That's it ! 

Blore. 
[Looking round in horror.] Oh! 

Hannah. 
The " Strong-box" they call it in St. Marvells. 

Blore. 
Oh, my goodness, honly fancy ! [ Whimpering to 



DANDY DICK. 105 

himself. ~\ And 'im accustomed to his shavin' water 
at h'eight and my kindly hand to button his gaiters. 
Oh, here's a warnin' ! 

Hannah. 

Whatever is the matter with you, Edward ? 

Blore. 
'Annah, 'Aim ah, my dear, it's this very prisoner 
what I 'ave called on you respectin 1 . 

Hannah. 

Oh, then the honor ain't a compliment to me, 
after all, Mr. Blore ? 

Bloke. 
I'm killing two birds with one stone, my dear. 

Hannah. 
[Throwing the cards into Blore's hat.'] You can 
take them back to the Deanery with Mrs. Topping's 
comps. 

Blore. 

[Shaking the cards out of his hat and replacing 
them in his pocket-book. ~\ I will leave them hon you 
again to-morrow, 'Annah. But, 'Annah deary, do 
you know that this hun fortunate man was took in 
our stables last night. 

Hannah. 

No, I never ask Noah nothing about Queen's 
business. He don't want two women over him ! 

Blore. 
Then you 'aven't seen the miserable culprit ? 

Hannah. 
Lor' no. I was in bed hours when Noah brought 



DANDY DICK. 

'iin 'ome. I take no interest in it all. They tell us 

;ery we'll 
in Sr. Marv t't never 

murder in a 

.': into the oven. 
Blore. 

But, 'Annah, suppose this c ise you've got 'old of 
now is a Moils basis! 

Suppose it means column 
ping's nan 
it 'old its own 

Hannah. 

Hullo! You know something about this arrest, 
you do ! 

Blore. 

No, no, I don't ! I merely said suppose. 1 merely 
wish to encourage you, 'A o implant an "ope 

that crime m, led life. 

Hannah. 

[Sitting at the tabl ',ng to an official 

hook.'] The man was found trespassing in the Dean- 
ery Stables with intent — refuses to give his name or 
any account of 'iss 

Blore. 

[To himself.] If I could honly find hout whether 

Dandy Dick had any of the medicine it would so 
guide me at the Races. What am I to do? It 
doesn't appear that the 'orse in the stables — toolj: it, 
does it? 



BANDY DICK. 107 

Ha xx ah. 
[Looking up sharply.] Took what? 

Blc 

Er- look fright. You're sure there's no confes- 
sion of any sort, 'Annah dear? 

[A.8 he i iff over Haxxah, Noah Top- 

s a dense-looking 
ugly countrynu red hair, a brist- 

ling beard, and a vindictive leer. He is 
dressed in ill-fitting clothes, as a rural 
Police Constable. 

Noah. 

[Fiercely.] 'Annah ! 

Haxxah. 
[Starting and replacing the book.] Oh don't! 
This is Mr. Blore from the Deanery come to see us — 
an old friend o' mine! 

[Blore advances to Noah with a nervous 
smile, extending his hand. 

Noah. 
[Taking Blore's hand and holding it firmly.'] A 

friend of hern is a friend o' mian ! 

Blore. 
I 'ope so, Mr. Topping. I thank you. 

Noah. 
She's gettiu' me a lot o' nice noo friends this week, 
since we coom to St. Marvells. 

Blore. 
Of course, dear 'Annah was a lovin' favorite with 
heverybody. 



108 DANDY DICK. 

Noah. 

Ay. Well then, as her friends be mian, I'm takin' 
the Liberty, one by one, of gradually droppin' on 'em 
all ! 

Blore. 

[Getting his hand away.] Dear me! 

Noah. 
id if I catch any old fly a buzzin' round my lady 
ril venture to break his 'ead in wi' my staff! 

Hannah. 

Oh, Noah ! 

Blore. 

[Preparing to depart."] I — I merely called to know 
if hanything had been found hout about the ruffian 
took in our stables last night ! 

Noah. 
Is that your business ? 

Blore. 
It — it's my master's business. 

Noah. 

He's the De-an, ain't he? 

Hannah. 

Yes, Noah, of course. 

Noah. 
[Fiercely.'] Shut oop, darlin'. Very well, then — 
give Mr. Topping's respects to the Dean, and say 
I'll run up to the Deanery and see him after I've 
took my man over to Durnstone. 



DANDY DICK. 109 

Bloke. 
Thank you — I 'ope the Dean will be at 'ome. 
Good-day, 'Annah! Good-day, Mr. Topping! 

[Offering his hand, into which Noah sig- 
nificantly places his truncheon. Bloke 
goes out quickly. 

Hannah. 

[ Whimpering.] Oh, Noah, Noah, T don't believe as 
we shall ever get a large circle of friends round us ! 

No A II. 
Now then ! [/Selecting a pair of handcuffs and ex- 
amining them critically.'] Them'll do. [flipping 
them into his pocket, and turning upon Hannah 
suddenly.'] 'Annah ! 

Hannah. 

Yes, Noahry 

Noah. 
Brighten oop, my darlin', the little time you 'ave 
me at 'ome with you. 

Hannah. 

Yes, Noahry. 

[She bustles about and begins to lay the cloth, 

Noah. 

I'm just a' goin' round to the stable to put old 
Nick in the cart. 

Hannah. 

Oh, dont'ee trust to Nick, Noah dear — he's such a 
vicious brute. Kitty's safer in the cart. 

Noah. 
Shut oop, darlin'. Nick can take me on to the 
edge o' the hill in half the time. 



110 DANDY DICK. 

Hannah. 
The hill ! 

Noah. 
Ah, what d'ye think I've put off taking my man 
to Durnstone to now for '? Why, I'm a goin' to get 
a glimpse of the racin', on my way over. | Opening 
the wicket in the ceU door and looking in."] There he 
is! Sulky! [To Ha Elopen the hoven door, 

'Annali, and let the smell of thecookin' get into him. 

Hannah. 
()h, no, Noah — it's torture ! 
Noah. 
Do as I tell'ee. [ She opens the ovt n door.] Torture ! 
Of course it's torture ! That's my rule ! When- 
ever I get a 'old of a darned obstinate creature wot 
won't reveal his hindentity I hopens the hoven door 

[He goes out into the street, and as he de- 
parts^ the woful face of The Dean 
appearsat the wicket, his head being still 
enveloped in the fur cap. 

Hannah. 

[Shutting the oven door.~\ Not me! Torturing 

prisoners might a' done for them Middling Ages 

what Noah's always clattering about, butaotformy 

o' life. I'll shut, that wicket. [Crossing dose to 

oicfo t, her face almost comes against The Dean's. 

She gives a cry.] The Dean ! 

The Dean. 
Oh ! [lie disappears. 

Hannah. 

Oh, no ! Not my old master ! Never the master ! 
[ Tottering to the wicket and looking in.] Master ! 



DANDY DICK. Ill 

Look at me ! It's ' Annnh, your poor faithful servant, 
'Annah ! [The face of The Dean r< -appears. 

The Dean. 
[I?i a deep sad voice.'] Hannah Evans. 

Hannah. 
It's 'Annah Topping, Knee Evans, wife o' the Con- 
stable what's goin' to take you to cruel Durnstone. 
[/Sinking weeping upon the ground at the door.'] Oh, 
5lr. Dean, Sir, what have you been up to ? What 
have you been up to? What have you been up to ? 

The Dean. 
Woman, I am the victim of a misfortune only 
partially merited. 

Hannah. 
[On her knees, clasping her hands.! Tell me what 
you've done, Master dear ; give it a name, for the 
love of goodness 

The Deax. 
My poor Hannah, I fear I have placed myself in 
an equivocal position. 

II A XX AH. 

[ With a shriek of despair.'] Ah ! 

The Deax. 
Be quiet, woman ! 

Hannah. 
Is it a change o' cooking that's brought you to 
such ways ? I cooked for you for seven 'appy years ! 

The Dean. 

[Sniffing.] Alas ! you seem to have lost none of your 
culinary skill. 



112 DANDY DICK. 

Hannah. 
Master, are you hungry ? 

The Dean. 

I am sorely tried by your domestic preparations. 
IIaxxaii. 

[ With clenched hands and a determined look."] Oh! 
[Quickly locking and bolting the street door.] Noah 
can't put that brute of a horse to under ten minutes. 
The dupplikit key o' the Strong Box! [Producing a 
large keg, with which she unlocks the celldoor.] Master, 
yoti'll give me your patrol not to cut, won't you? 

The Dean. 

Under any other circumstances, Hannah, I should 
resent that insinuation. 

IIaxxaii. 
Don't resent nothing-! Shove! Shove your 
hardest, Dean dear ! 

[Pulling the door, ichichopens tig to 

Jet oat Tun Dean. 

Tin: Dean. 
[As he enters the room.'] Good-day, Hannah; you 
have bettered yourself, 1 hope ? 

Hannah. 

[Hysterically flinging herst If upon The Dean.] Oh, 
Master, Master ! 

The Dean. 

[Putting her from him sternly.'] Hannah! Mrs. 
Topping ! 

IIaxxaii. 
Oh, I know, I know, but crime levels all, dear sir ! 



DANDY DICK, 113 

The Dean. 
You appear to misapprehend the precise degree of 
criminality which attaches to me, Mrs. Topping. In 
the eyes of that majestic, hot imperfect instrument, 
the law, I am an innocent if not an injured man. 

Haxxah. 

Ah, stick to that, sir ! Stick to it, if you think it's 
likely to serve your wicked ends ! 

[Placing bread with other things on the table. 

The Deax. 
My good woman, a single word from me to those 
at the Deanery, would instantly restore me to home, 
family, and accustomed diet. 

Haxxah. 

Ah, they all tell that tale what comes here. Why 
don't you send word, Dean clear ? 

The Deax. 
Because it would involve revelations of my tem- 
porary moral aberration ! 

Haxxah. 
[Putting her apron to her eyes with a howl.] Owh ! 

The Deax. 
Because T should return to the Deanery with my 
dignity — that priceless possession of man's middle 
age ! — with my dignity seriously impaired ! 

TIaxxah. 
Oh, don't, sir, don't ! 

The Deax. 
How could I face my simple children who have 
hitherto, not unreasonably, regarded me as faultless ? 
-How could I again walk erect in the streets of St. 



Ill DANDY DICK. 

Marvells with my i tiie Records of 

a Police Station of the vei y humblest description? 
[Sinking into a chair and ■■;/ up apiece 

of bread, which he begins munching. 

IIaxxaii. 
[ Wiping her eyes.~] Oh, sir, it's a treat to hear you, 
compared with the hordinary criminal class. But, 
master, dear, though my Noah don't recognize you 
— throng 
how'll you fare when yon get to Durnstone? 

The Dean. 

I have one great buoyant hope — that a word in the 
ear of the Durnstone Superintendent will send me 
forth an unquestioned man. You and he will be the 

. May its posses- 
sion be a lasting com- >u both. 

Hannah. 

Master, is what you've told me your only chance 
of getting off unknown '. J 

The Dean. 

It is the sole remaining chance of averting a calam- 
ity of almost national importance. 

IIaxxaii. 
Then you're as done as that joint in my oven ! 

The Dean. 
Woman ! 

Hannah. 
The Superintendent at Durnstone — John Ruggles 
— also the two Inspectors, Whitaker and Parker 

The Dean. 
Well ! 



DANDY DICK. 115 

Hannah. 
Them and their wives and families are chapel 
folk ! 

The Dean. 
\_Aghast.~\ No ! 

Hannah. 

Yes. [The Dean totters across to a chair, into 
which he sinks with his head upon the table.'] Master ! 
Listen ! 

The Dean. 

It's all over ! It's all over ! 
Hannah. 

No, no — Listen ! I was well fed and kept seven 
years at the Deanery — I've been wed to Noah Top- 
ping eight weeks — that's six years and ten months' 
lovin' duty doo to you and yours before I owe nothing 
to my darling Noah. Master dear, you shan't be 
took to Durnstone ! 

The Dean. 

Silence ! Hannah Topping, formerly Evans, it is 
my duty to inform you that your reasoning does 
more credit to your heart than to your head. 

Hannah. 
I can't help that. The Devil's always in a woman's 
heart because it's the warmest place to get to ! [ Tal - 
ing a small key from the table drawer.'] Here, take 
that! [Pushing the Ire;/ into the pocket of his coat.] 
When you once get free from my darling Noah that 
key unlocks your handcuffs ! 

The Dean. 

Handcuffs ! 



116 DANDY DICK. 

Hannah. 

How are you to get free, that's the question now, 
isn't it ? I'll tell you. My Noah drives you over to 
Durnstone with old Nick in the cart. 

The Dean. 
Old Nick ! 

Hannah. 
That's the horse. Now Nick was formerly in the 
Durnstone Fire Brigade, and when he 'ears the 
familiar signal of a double whistle you can't hold him 
in. There's the whistle. [ Putting it into The Dean's 
poclxet.~\ Directly you turn into Pear Tree Lane, blow 
once and you'll see Noah with his nose in the air, 
pullin' lit to wrench his 'ands off. Jump out — roll 
clear of the wheel — keep cool and 'opeful and blow 
again. Before you can get the mud out of your eyes 
Noah and the horse and cart will be well into Durn- 
stone, and may Providence restore a young 'usband 
safe to his doatin' wife! 

The Dean. 
Hannah! How dare you! [Recoiling horror- 
stricken, 

Hannah. 
[ Crying.~\ Oh — ooh — ooh ! 

The Dean. 
Is this the fruit of your seven years' constant 
cookery at the Deanery ? 

Hannah. 
Oh dear ! I wouldn't have done it, only this is 
your first offence ! 

The Dean. 
My first offence, oh ! 



DANDY DICK. 117 

Hannah. 
You're not too old ; I want to give you another 
start in life! 

The Dean. 

Another start! Woman, do you think I've no 
conscience ? Do you think I don't realize the enor- 
mity of the — of the difficulties in alighting from a 
vehicle in rapid motion ? 

Hannah. 

[Opening the oven and taking out a small joint in 
a baking tin, which she places on the table.] It's 
'unger what makes you feel conscientious ! 

The Dean. 
[ Waving her away.'] I have done with you ! 

Hannah. 

With me, sir — but not with the joint! You'll 
feel wickeder when you've had a little nourishment. 
\_IIe looks hungrily at the dish.'] That's right, Dean, 
dear — taste my darling Noah's favorite dish. 

The Dean. 

[Advancing towards the table.] Oh, Hannah Top- 
ping — Hannah Topping! [Clutching the carving- 
knife despair in gig.] I'll have no more women cooks 
at the Deanery ! This reads me a lesson. 

[Sitting and carving with desperation. 

Hannah. 

Don't stint yourself, sir. You can't blow that 
whistle on an empty frame. [The Dean begins 
to eat.] Don't my cooking carry you back, sir ? Oh, 
say it do ! 



118 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 
Ah, if every mouthful would carry me back one 
little hour I would finish this joint ! 

[Noah Topping, unperceived by Hannah and 
The Dean, climbs in by the window, his 
eyes bolting with rage — he glares round 
the room, taking in everything at a glance. 

Noah. 

[ Under his breath.'] My man o' mystery — a waited 
on by my nooly made wife — a heating o' my favorite 
meal. 

[Touching Hannah on the arm, she turns 
and faces him, speechless with fright. 

The Dean. 
[ Still ea t ing. ] If m y 1 n ind were calmer this would 
be an all-sufficient repast. [Hannah tries to speak, 
then clasps her hands and sinks on her knees to Noah.] 
Hannah, a little plain cold water in a simple tumbler, 
please. 

Noah. 
[Grimly — folding his arms.'] 'Annan, hintrodooce 
me. [Hannah gives a cry and clings to Noah's legs. 

The Dean. 
[Calmly to Noah.] Am I to gather, constable, 
from your respective attitudes that you object to 
these little kindnesses extended to me by your 
worthy Avife ? 

Noah. 

I'm wishin' to know the name o' my worthy wife's 
friend. A friend o' hern is a friend o' mian. 

Hannah. 

Noahry! Noahry! 



DANDY DICK. 119 

Noah. 
She's gettin' me a lot o' nice noo friends since we 
coom to St. Marvells. 

Hannah. 
Noahry ! I made this gentleman's acquaintance 
through the wicket, in a casual way. 

Noah. 

Ay. Cooks and railins — cooks and r alius! I 
might a guessed my wedded life 'ud a coom to this. 

Hannah. 

He spoke to me just as a strange gentleman ought 
to speak to a lady ! Didn't you, sir — didn't you? 

The Dean. 
Hannah, do not let us even under these circum- 
stances prevaricate ; such is not quite the case ! 

[Noah advances savagely to The Dean. There 
is a knocking at the door. — Noah restrains 
himself and faces The Dean. 

Noah. 
Noa, this is neither the toime nor pla-ace, wi' people 
at the door and dinner on t' table, to spill a strange 
man's blood. 

The Dean. 
I trust that your self-respect as an officer of the 
law will avert anything so unseemly. 

Noah. 
Ay. That's it ! You've touched me on my point 
o' pride. There ain't another police- s fca tioii in all 
Durnstone conducted more strict and rigid nor what 
mian is, and it shall so continue. You and me is a 
goin' to set out for Durnstone, and when the charges 



120 BANDY DICK. 

now standin' agen you is entered, it's I, Noah Top- 
ping, what'll hadd another ! 

[There is another knock at the door. 

Hannah. 
Noah ! 

No A II. 

The charge of allynati ng the affections o' my wife, 
'Annan ! 

The Dean. 
[Horrified.] No, no! 

Noah. 
Ay, and worse— the embezzlin' o' my mid-day 
meal prepared by her 'ands. [Points into the cell.] 
Go in ; you 'ave five minutes more in the 'ome you 
'ave ruined and laid waste. 

The Dean. 

[Going to the door andturning to Noah.] You will 
at least receive my earnest assurance that this worthy 
woman is extremely innocent ? 

No A II. 

Ilinnocent ? [Points to the joint on thetable.~] Look 
theer ! [The Dean, much overcome, disappears 
through the celVdoor, which Noah closes and locks. 
The knock at the door is repeated. To Hannah, point- 
ing to the outer door.] Hunlock that door ! 

Hannah. 

[ Weeping.] Oh, Noahry, you'll never be popular 
in St.'Marvells. 

Noah. 
Ilunloek that door! 



DANDY DICK. 121 

[Hannah unlocks the door, and admits 
Georgian a and Sir Tristram, both 
dressed for the race-course. 

Georgian a. 
Dear me ! Is this the Police- Station ? 

Hannah. 

Yes, lady. Take a chair, lady, near the fire. [ To 
Sir Tristram.] Sit down, sir. 

Georgiana. 
This is my first visit to a police-station, my good 
woman ; I hope it will be the last. 

Hannah. 

Oh, don't say that, ma'am. We're honly hauxilli- 
axy 'ere, ma'am — the Bench sets at Durnstone. 

Georgiana. 
I must say you try to make everybody feel at 
home. [Hannah curtseys. 

Sir Tristram. 
It's beautifully Arcadian. 

Georgiana. 

•[ To Hannah.] Perhaps this is only a police-station 
for the young ? 

Hannah. 
No, ma'am, we take ladies and gentlemen like 
yourselves. 

Noah. 
[ Who has not been tioticed, surveying Georgiana 
and Sir Tristram, gloomily.'] 'Annah, hintrodooce 
me. 



122 DANDY DICK. 

Georgiana. 

[Facing Noah.] Good gracious! What's that! 
Oil, good- morning. 

Noah. 
'Annan's a gettin' me a lot o' nice noo friends 
this week since we coom to St. Marvells. 

Hannah. 
Noah, Noah — the lad}* and gentlemen is strange. 

Noah. 
Ho! 

Georgiana. 
Are you the man in charge here? 

Noah. 
Ay; are you seeing me on business or pleasure? 

: Tristram. 
Do you imagine people come here to see you ? 

Noah. 

Xoa — they generally coom to see my wife. 
'Owever, if it's business (pointing to the other side of 
oom) that's th Lde — this is domestic. 

You'll hall kindly move over. 

Sim Tristram and Georgiana. 

Oh, certainly. [ Changing their seats. 

: Tristram. 

Now, look here, my man. This lady is Mrs. Tid- 
man. Mrs. Tidman is the sister of Dr. Jedd, the 
Dean of St. Marvells. 

Hannah. 

[ With a gasp.} Oh ! 



DANDY DICK. 123 

Georgian a. 

There's something wrong with your wife. 

Noah. 
Ay. She' s profligate — proceedins are pendin' ! 

Georgiaista. 
[ To Sir Teisteam.] Strange police station My 
flesh creeps. 

Sir Tristram. 
[To Noah.] Well, my good man, to come to the 
point. My poor friend and this lady's brother, Dr. 
Jedd, the Dean, you know — has mysteriously and 
unaccountably disappeared. 

Georgian a. 



Vanished. 
Gone. 

Absconded. 



Sir Tristram. 
Noah. 



Ge ORG I ANA. 

.Absconded ! How dare you. 

Noah. 
Respectable man, was 'e ? 

Georgiana. 
What do you mean ? 

Sir Tristram. 
This lady is his sister ! 

Noah. 
Now, look 'ere — it's no good a gettin' 'asty and 
irritable with the law. I'll coom over to yer, 
officially. 



124 BANDY MICK. 

[ Putting the btfking tin under his arm 

he crosses over to Sir Tristram and 

Georgian a. 

Sir Tristram. 
[Putting his hand/cerchu f to his /ace.'] Don't bring 
that horrible odor of cooking over here. 

Gkorgiaxa. 
Take it away ! What is it? 

Noah. 
It's evidence against my profligate wife. 

[Sir Tristram and Georgiana exchange 

looks of impatience. 

Georgiana. 

Do you realize that my poor brother the Dean is 
missing '? 

Noah. 

Ay. Touching this missin' De-an. 

Georgian a. 
I left him hist night to retire to rest. 

Sir Tristram. 
This morning he is not to be found ! 

Noah. 

Ay. ' As it struck you to look in 'is bed ? 

Georgiana and Sir Tristram. 
Of course ! 

Georgian a. 
Everybody did that ! 



BAND Y DICK. 125 

Noah. 

One 'ud a done. It's only conf usiir — hall doin' it ! 
Money matters right or wrong 2 

[Georgiana puts her handkerchief to her eyes. 

Sir Tristram. 
Bo put yonr questions more feelingly! This is 
liis sister — 1 am his friend ! 

Noah. 

You will push yourselves forrard. Had he any- 
thing on his mind? 

Georgiana. 
Yes! 

Noah. 
Then I've got a the'ry. 

Sir Tristram and Georgiana. 
What is it? 

Noah. 
A the'ry that will put you all out o' suspense ! 

Georgiana and Sir Tristram. 
Yes, yes ! 

Noah. 
I've been a good bit about, I read a deal, and I'm 
a shrewd experienced man. I should say this is 
nothin' but a hordinary case of sooicide. 

[Georgiana sits faintly. 

Sir Tristram. 
[Savagely to Noah.] Get out of the way! Geor- 
giana ? 



126 DANDY DICK. 

Georgia xa. 
Oh, Tris, if this were true hoAv could we "break it 
to the girls ? 

Noah. 
I could run oop, durin' the evenin', and break it 
to the girls. 

Sir Tristram. 
[ Turns vjjrm Noah.] Look here, all you've got to 
do is to hold your tongue and take down my descrip- 
tion of the l)ean, and report his disappearance at 
Durnstone. [Pushing him into a chair."] Go on! 
[Dictating.] "Missing. The Very Reverend Augus- 
tin Jecld, Dean of St. Marvells." Voov Gus! Poor 
Gus ! 

Hannah. 
[Softly to Geobgiana.] Lady, lady ! 

[Noah prepares to write, depositing the bak- 
ing-tin on the table. 

Georgiana. 
[Turning.] Eh? 

Hannah. 

Hush ! Listen to me ! 

[Speaks to Georgiana excitedly. 

Sin Tristram. 
[ To Noah.] Have you got that ? 

NO A IT. 

[ Writing laboriously with his legs curled round the 
chair and his head on the table.] Ay. I'm spelling it 
my own way. 



DANDY DICK. 127 

Sir Tristram. 
Poor dear old Gus ! [Dictating."] " Description ! " 

Noah. 
Oh noa ! 

Sir Tristram. 
" Description ! " 

Noa ii. 

I suppose he was jest the hordinary sort o' lookin' 
man. 

Sir Tristram. 
No, no ! " Description ! " 

Georgiana. 
[Turning from Hannah, excitedly. ~\ Description 
—a little, short, thin man, with black hair and a 
squint ! 

Sir Tristram. 
[ To Georgiana.] No, no, he isn't. 

Georgiaxa. 
Yes, he is ! 

Sir Tristram. 
Georgiana ! What are you talking about ? 

Georgiana. 
I'm Gus's sister — I ought to know what he's like ! 

Sir Tristram. 

Good heavens, Georgiana — your mind is not 
going ? 

Georgiana. 
[ Clutching Sir Tristram's arm and whispering in 
his ear, as she points to the cell door.] He's in there ! 



128 BANDY DICK. 

Sir Tristram. 
Eh! 

Georgians. 
Gus is the villain found closing Dandy Dick last 
night ! 

Sir Tristram. 
[Falling back."] Oh! [IIaxxaii seises Sir Tristram 
and talks to him rapidly.] [ To Noah.] What have 
you written ? 

Noah. 
I've written "Ilanswers to the name o' Gus ! " 

Georgian a. 
[Snatching the paper from him."] It's not wanted. 
I've altered my mind. I'm too busy to bother about 
him this week. 

Noah. 
What ! Ilafter wasting my time ? 

Georgian a. 
Look here — you're the constable who took the 
man in the Deanery Stables list night? 

Noah. 
Ay. [^Looking out of the window.] There's my 
curt outside ready to' take the scoundrel over to 
Durnstone. 

Georgian a. 
I should like to see him. 

Noah. 
You can view him passin' out. 

[lie tucks the baking-tin under his arm and 
goes up to the cell door. 



J) ANDY DICK. 129 

Georgiana. 
[ To herself.] Oh, Gits, Gus ! 

Noah. 
[ Unlocking the door.] I warn yer. 'E's a awful 
looking creature. 

Georgian a. 
I can stand it ; I love horrors ! 

[Noah goes into the cell,closing the door after 
Mm. 

Tris! 

Sir Tristram. 
Georgian a ! 

Georgiana. 
What was my brother's motive in bolusing Dandy 
last night ? 

Sir Tristram. 
I can't think. The first thing to do is to get him 
out of this hole. This good woman has arranged for 
his escape. 

Georgiana. 
But we can't trust to Gus rolling out of a flying 
dogcart ! Why, it's as much as I could do ! 

Hannah. 

Oh, yes, lady, he'll do it. I've prewided for every- 
thing. Don't betray him to Noah ! There's another 
— a awfuller charge hangin' over his reverend 'ead. 

Sir Tristram. 
Another charge ! 

9 



130 UANDT DICK. 

Georgiana. 
Another ! Oh Tris ! To think my own stock 
should run vicious like this. 

Hannah. 

Hush, lady ! 

[Noah comes out of the cell with The Deax, 
mho is in Junidcuffs. 

Geoikhaxa and Sir Tristram. 

Oh! 

Tin: Deax. 

\JRaising his eyes, ■•<<»* Sir Tristram and Geoi 
ana, and recoils wit/i a groan, sinking on to a chair.'] 
Oh! 

Noah. 

Oop you get ! 

Sir Tristram. 

No, no, stay ! I am the owner of the horse stable. I 
at the Deanery. T make no charge against this 
wretched person. [To The Dean.] Oh man, man! 

The Deax. 
T was discovered administering to a suffering beast 
a simple remedy for chills. I am an unfortunate 
creature. Do with me what you will. 

Georgian a. 
The analysis hasn't come home from the chemist's 
yet. Is this the truth ? 

The Dean. 

Yes. 



BANDY DICK; |31 

Sir Tristram. 
[ To Noah.] Release this man. 

Noah. 
Release him! Tie was found trespassin' in the 
stables of the la-ate De-an, who has committed sooi- 
cide. 

The Dean. 

Oh ! I 

Sir Tristram, Georgian a and Hannah. 
Hush ! 

Noah. 
The Diseased De-an is the honly man wot can 



withdraw one charge- 

The Dean. 
I — listen ! 

Sir Tristram, Georgiana and Hannah. 
Hush ! 

Noah. 

And I'm the honly man wot can withdraw the 
other. 

Sir Tristram. 
You ? Get out ! 

Georgian a. 
Get out ! 

Noah. 
I charge this person unknown with allynating the 
affections o' my wife while I was put tin' my 'orse to. 
And I'm goin' to drive him over to Durnstone with 
the heviclence. 



182 


DANDY DICK. 




Georgiana. 


It isn't true. 





Hannah. 

Oh lady, lady, it's appearances what is against us. 

Noah. 

[Through the opening of the door. ,] Woa! Steady 
there ! Get back ! 

Georgian a. 

[ Whispering to The Dean.] I am disappointed in 
you, Augustin. Have you got this wretched wom- 
an's whistle? 

The Dean. 

Yes. 

Sir Tristram. 

[Softly to The Dean.] Oh Jedd, Jedd — and these 
ore what you call Principles ! Have ^you got the 
key of your handcuffs ? 

The Dean. 

Yes. 

Noah. 

[Appearing in the doorway-~\ Time's oop. Coom 
on ! 

The Dean. 

May I say a few parting words in the home I have 
apparently wrecked ? 

Noah. 
Say' em and 'a done. 



DANDY DICK. iy J 

The Dean. 

In setting out upon a journey, the termination of 
which is problematical, I desire to attest that this 
erring constable is the husband of a wife from whom 
it is impossible to withhold respect, if not admiration. 

Noah. 

You 'ear ' im ! 

The Dean. 

As for my wretched self, the confession of my 
weaknesses must be reserved for another time — 
another place. [To Georgiana.] To yoti, whose 
privilege it is to shelter in the sanctity of the 
Deanery; I g nest admonition. Within 

an hour from this terrible moment, let the lire be 
lighted in the drawing-room — let the missing man's 
warm bath be waiting for its master — a change of 
linen prepared. Withhold your judgments. Wait. 

Noah. 
This is none of your business. Coom on. 

The Dean. 
I am ready ! 

[Noah takes him by the arm and leads him out. 
Georgiana. 
Oh, what am I to think of my brother ? 

Hannah. 
[Kneeling at Georgiana 's feet."] Think ! That 
he's the beautifullest, sweetest man in all Durn- 
shire ! 

Georgiana. 
Woman ! 



134 DANDY DICK. 

Hannah. 

It's I and my whistle and Nick the fire-brigade 
horse what'U bring him back to the Deanery safe 
and unharmed. Not a soul but we three'll ever 
know of his misfortune. [Listening.'] Hark! They're 
off! 

Noah. 

[Outside.'] Get up, now! Get-oop, old girl! 

Hannah. 
[ With a cry.~\ Ah! [Mushing to the door and 
looking out.] lie's done for ! 

Georgiana and Sir Tristram. 
Done for ! 

Hannah. 
The Dean can whistle himself blue ! Noah's put 
Kitty in the cart, and left Old Nick at home ! 

THE END OF THE FIRST SCENE. 



The second scene is the Morning lloom at the 
Dean try again. 

Salome and Sheba are sitting there gloomily. 

Salome. 
Poor Papa ! 

Sheba. 
Poor dear Papa ! 

Salome. 
He must return very soon — he must ! 



BANDY DICK. 135 

Sheba. 

He must ! In the meantime it is such a comfort 
to feel that we have no cause for self-reproach. 

Salome. 
But the anxiety is terribly wearing. 

Sheba. 
Nothing is so weakening, Salome. 

Salome. 
Sheba, clear. 

Sheba. 
[Clinging to 8alome.~] If I should pine and ulti- 
mately die of this suspense I want you to have my 
workbox. 

Salome. 

[Shaking her head and sadly turning away.~\ Thank 
you, dear, but if Papa is not home for afternoon tea 
you will outlive me. 

[Turning towards the window as Major 
Tarver and My. Darbey appear outside. 

Darbey. 
[ Outside.} Miss Jedd ! Miss Jedd ! 

Salome. 
Sheba ! Here are Gerald Tarver and Mr. Darbey ! 

Sheba. 

Oh, the presumption ! Open the window and dare 
them to enter ! [Salome unfastens the windoio. 



136 DANDY DICK. 

D ABBEY. 

[ Outside.~\ Thank you. Don't be shocked when 
you see Tarver. 

Tarver and Darbey enfef, dressed for the Raees^ but 
Darbey is supporting Tarter, who looks ex- 
tremely weakly. 

Tarveb. 
Pardon this informal method of presenting our- 
selves. 

Salome. 
You do well, gentlemen, to intrude upon two feeble 
women at a moment of sorrow. 

SlIEBA. 

One step further, and I shall ask Major Tarver, 
who is nearest the bell, to ring for help. 

[Tabveb sinks into a chair. 

D ABBEY. 

[Standing by the side o/Tarveb.] There now. The 
fact is, Miss Jedd, that Tarver is in an exceedingly 
critical condition. Feeling that he has incurred your 
displeasure he has failed even in the struggle to gain 
the race-course. I have taken him to Dr. Middleton 
and I explained that Major Tarver loved with a pas- 
sion [looking at Siieba] second only to my own. 

Salome. 
[Sitting comfortably on the settee.^ Oh, we cannot 
listen to you, Mr. Darbey. 

Sheba. 
Go on, sir, if you can. 

[ The two girls exchange looks. 



DANblt JJICK. 137 

DxVRBEY. 

The Doctor made a searching examination of the 
Major's tongue and diagnosed that, unless the Major 
at once proposed to the lady in question and was 
accepted, three weeks or a month at the seaside 
would be absolutely imperative. Shall I continue ? 

Salome. 
Oh, certainly. I am helpless. 

Sheba. 
We are curious to see to what lengths you will 
go. 

Dae bey. 
The pitiable condition of my poor friend speaks 
for itself. 

Salome. 
I beg your pardon — it does nothing of the kind. 

Tarver. 
[Rising with difficult]/ and approaching Salome.] 
Salome — I have loved you distractedly for upwards 
of eight weeks. 

Salome. 
[ Going to Jbim.~] Oh, Major Tarver, let me pass ; 
[holding his coat JirmbJ\ let me pass, I say. 

Tarver. 
Unless you push me, never ! 

Sheba. 
Spare me this scene, Mr. Darbey. 

[Darbe y follows Sheba across the room, 



138 BANDY DICK. 

Tarver. 
To a man in my condition love is either a rapid 
and fatal malady, or it is an admirable digestive. 
Accept mc, and my merry lam-h (.nee more rings 

\stgh the Mess Rooni. Reject me, and my e< 
tion i i' ' 1 in volumes, Avill be 

l)i'.>uu!iL to the hammer, and the bird, as it were, will 
trill no more. 

Salome. 
And is it really I who would hush the little throaty 
songster ? 

Tarver. 
Certainly. [Taking a sheet of paper from his 
pocket.'] I have the Doctor's ' certificate to that 
effect. 

[Both reading the certificate they walk into 
Library. 

Sheba. 
Oh, Mr. Darbey, I have never thought of marriage 
seriously. 

Darbey. 

People never do till they are married^ 

Sheba. 

But think, only think of my age. 

Darbey. 

Pardon me, Sheba — but what is your age ? 

Siief.a. 
Oh, it is so very little — it is not worth mention- 
ing. Cannot we remain friends and occasionally 

correspond? 



DANDY DICK. 139 

Da I! BEY, 

Well, of course — if you insist 

SlIEBA. 

No, no, I see that is impracticable. It must be 
wed or part. All I ask is time — time to ponder 
over such a question, time to know myself better. 

Darbey. 
Certainly, how long*? 

Sheba. 
Give me two or three minutes. Hush ! 

[They separate as Tarver and Salome re- 
enter the room. Tarver is glaring excit- 
edly and biting his nails. 

Tarver. 
I never thought I should live to be accepted by 
anyone. I shall buy some gay songs. Er — when 
can I see the Dean ? 

Salome. 
Oh, don't! 

Tarver. 
Salome ! 

Salome. 

Papa has been out all night. 

; : v and Tarver. 

All night? 

Salome. 

Isn't it terrible! Oh, what do you think of it 
Mr. Darbey ? 



140 DANDY DICK. 

Darbey. 

Sacking, but we oughtn't to condemn him un- 
heard . 

Salome. 

Condemn my Papa ! 

Sheba. 

[At the window.] Here's Aunt Georgiana! 

Darbey. 

Eh ! Look out, Tarver. [ Going out quickly. 

Salome. 
[Pulling Tarvee after her.] Come this way and let 
otfciags in the conservatory. [They go out. 

Sheba. 

Mr. Darbey! Mr. Darbey, wait for me — I have 
decided. Yes. 

[She goes out by the door as Georgiana 
enters excitedly at the window. 

Georgiana. 

[ Waving Jar handkerchief.] Come on, Tris ! The 
course is clear! Mind the gate-post! Hold him up! 
Now give him his head! 

Sir Tristram and Hatcham enter by the window 
carrying The Dean. They all look as though 
they have been recently engaged in a prolonged 
struggle. 

Sir Tristram. 

Put him down ! 

Georgiana. 
Put him down ! 



DAXDY DICK. 141 

Hat< ham. 

That I will, ma'am, and gladly. 

[They deposit The Dean in a chair and 
Georgiana and Sib Tristram each seize 
a hand, feeling The Dean's pulse, while 
Hatcham ^>w& his hand on The Dean's 
heart. 

The Dean. 
[ Opening his eyes.~\ Where am I now ? 

Georgiana. 
He lives ! Hurrah ! Cheer man, cheer ! 

Sir Tristram and Hatcham 
[Quietly.] Hurrah! [To Hatcham.] We can't 
shout here, go and cheer as loudly as you can in the 
roadway by yourself. 

Hatcham. 
Yes, Sir. 

[Hatcham runs out at the window. 

The Dean. 

[ Gradually recovering.'] Georgiana — Mardon. 

Sir Tristram 
How are you, Jedd, old boy ? 

Georgiana. 
How do you feel now, Gus ? 

The Dean. 
Torn to fragments. 

Sir Tristram. 
So you are. Thank heaven, he's conscious ! 



142 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 
I feel as if I had been walked over carefully by a 
large concourse of the lower orders ! 

Georgian a. 
So you have been. Thank heaven, his memory is 
all right. 

[Hatcham's voice is heard in the distance 
cheering. They all listen. 

Sir Tristram. 
That's Hatcham, I'll raise his wages. 

The Dean. 
Do I understand that I have been forcibly and 

illegally rescued ? 

Sir Tristram. 
That's it, old fellow. 

The Dean. 

Who has committed such a reprehensible act ? 

Sir Tristram. 
A woman who would have been a heroine in any 
age — Georgiana ! 

The Dean. 
Georgiana, I am bound to overlook it, in a rela- 
tive, but never let this occur again. 

Sir Tristram. 
Tell him. 

Georgiana. 
You found out that that other woman's plan went 
lame, didn't you ? 



DANDY DICK. W;j 

The Dean. 

I discovered its inefficacy, after a prolonged period 
of ineffectual whistling. 

Georgiana. 
But we ascertained the road the genial constable 
was going to follow. He was bound for the edge of 
the hill, up Pear Tree Lane, to watch the Races. 
Directly we knew this, Tris and I made for the Hill. 
Bless your soul, there were hundreds of my old 
friends there — welshers, pick -pockets, card-sharpers, 
all the lowest race-course cads in the kingdom. In a 
minute I was in the middle of 'em, as much at home 
as a Duchess in a Drawing-room. 

Sir Tristram. 
A Queen in a Palace ! 

Georgiana. 
Boadicea among the Druids ! " Do you know 
me ? " I holloaed out. Instantly there was a cry of 
" Blessed if it 'aint George Tidd ! " Tears of real 
joy sprang to my eyes — while I was wiping them 
away Tris had his pockets emptied and I lost my 
watch. 

Sir Tristram. 
Ah, Jedd, it was a glorious moment ! 

Georgiana. 
Tris made a back, and I stood on it, supported by 
a correct-card merchant on either side. " Dear 
friends," I said; "Brothers! I'm with you once 
again." You should have heard the shouts of honest 
welcome. Before I could obtain silence my field 
glasses had gone on their long journey. "Listen to 



144 BANDY DICK. 

me," I said. " A very dear relative of mine has 
been collared for playing the three-card trick on his 
way down from town." There was a groan of 
sympathy. " He'll be on the brow of the Hill with 
a bobby in half-an-honr," said I, "who's for the res- 
cue?" A dead deep silence followed, broken only 
by the sweet voice of a young child, saying, 
" What'll we get for it?" "A pound a-piece," said 
I. There was a roar of assent, and; my concluding 
words, " and possibly six months," were never heard* 
At that moment Tris' back could stand it no longer; 
and we' c-iine heavily to the ground together 
[Seizin^/ The Dean by tJie hand and dragging him 
up.'] Xow you know whose hands have led you bark 
to your own manger. [Embracing him.'] And 
brother, confess — isn't there something good and 
noble in true English sport after all ? 

The Dean. 
Every abused institution has its redeeming ch i 
teristic. But whence is the money to come to 
reward these dreadful persons ? I cannot reasonably 
ask my girls to organize a bazaar or conceit. 

Georgian a. 

Concert ! I'm a rich woman. 



The Dean. 



Rich ! 



Georgiana. 
Well, I've cleared fifteen hundred over the Handi- 
cap. 

The Deax. 

[Recoiling.] No ! Then the horse who enjoyed 
the shelter of the Deanery last night 



Dandy Dick ! 
Won! 



DANDY DICK. 145 

Sir Tristram. 
The Dean. 



Georgiana. 
In a common canter ! All the rest nowhere, and 
Bonny Betsy walked in with the policeman. 

The Dean. 

[ To himself.'] Five hundred pounds towards the 
Spire! Five hundred! Oh, where is Blore with the 
good news ! 

Sir Tristram. 

Look at him ! Lively as a cricket ! 

The Dean. 
Sir Tristram, I am under the impression that your 
horse swallowed reluctantly a small portion of that 
bolus last night before I was surprised and removed. 

Sir Tristram. 
By the bye, I am expecting the analysis of that 
concoction every minute. 

The Dean. 
Spare yourself the trouble — the secret is with me. 
I seek no acknowledgment from either of you, but in 
your moment of deplorable triumph remember with 
gratitude the little volume of " The Horse and its 
Ailments" and the prosaic name of its humane 
author — John Cox. 

[lie goes out through the Library. 

Georgian a. 
But oh, Tris Mardon, what can I ever say to you ? 
10 



146 DANDY DICK. 

Sir Tristram. 
Anything yon like except " Thank you ! " 

Georgiana. 
Don't stop me? Why, you were the man who 
hauled Augustin out of the cart by his legs ! 

Sir Tristram. 

Oh, but why mention such trifles ? 
Georgiana. 

They're not trifles. And when his cap fell off, it 
was you — brave fellow that you are — who pulled the 
horse's nose-bag over my brother's head so that he 
shouldn't be recognized. 

Sir Tristram. 
My dear Georgiana, these are the common cour- 
tesies of every-day life. 

Georgiana. 
They are acts which any true woman would 
esteem. Gus won't readily forget the critical 
moment when all the cut chaff ran down the back of 
his neck — nor shall I. 

Sir Tristram. 
shall T forget the way in which you gave 
Dandy his whisky out of a soda water bottle just 
before the race. 

Georgiana. 

That's nothing — any lady would do the same. 

Sir Tristram. 
Nothing ! You looked like the Florence Nightin- 
gale of the paddock! Oh, Georgiana, why, why, 
why won't you marry me ? 



DANDY DICK. 147 

Georgiana. 
Why! 

Sir Tristram. 

Why J . 

Georgiana. 
Why ! Because you've only just asked me, Tris ! 

[ Goes to him cordially. 

Sir Tristram. 
But when I touched your hand last night, you 
reared ! 

Georgian a. 
Yes, Tris, old man, but love is founded on mutual 
esteem, last night you hadn't put my brother's head 
in that nose-bag. 

[ They go together to the fireplace, he with 
his arm round her waist. 

Sheba. 
[Looking in at the door.~] How annoying ! There's 
Aunt and Sir Tristram in this room — Salome and 
Major Tarver are sitting on the hot pipes in the con- 
servatory — where am I and Mr. Darbey to go? 
Papa ! Come back ! 

[She withdraws quickly as The Dean enters 
through the Library carrying a paper in 
his hand ; he has now resumed his normal 
appearance. 

The Dean. 

Home ! What sonorous music is in the word ! 

Home, with the secret of my sad misfortune buried 

in the bosoms of a faithful few. Home, with my 

family influence intact ! Home, with the sceptre of 



148 DANDY DICK. 

my dignity still tight in my grasp ! What is this I 
have picked up on the stairs ? 

[Reads with a horrified look, as Hatcham 
enters at the window. 

Hatcham. 
Beg pardon, Sir Tristram. 

Sir Tristram. 
What is it ? 

Hatcham. 
The chemist has just brought the annah'sis. 

Sir Tristram. 
Where is he ? 

[Sir Tristram and Georgiana go out at the 
w indoic, follow ing Hatch am. 

The Dean. 

It is too horrible ! [Reading.'] " Debtor to Lewis 
Isaacs, Costumier to the Queen, "Bow Street — Total, 
Forty pounds, nineteen ! " There was a fancy masked 
ball at Durnstone last night ! Salome — Sheba — no, 
no! 

Salome and Sheba. 
[Bounding in and rushing at The Dean.] Papa, 
Papa ! 

Salome. 
Our own Papa ! 

Sheba. 
Papsey ! 

[Salome seizes his hands, Sheba his coat-tails, 
and turn Mm round violently. 

Salome. 
Our parent returned ! 



BANDY DICK. i49 

SlIEBA. 

Papsey — come back ! 

The Dean. 

Stop ! 

Salome. 
Papa, why have you tortured us with anxiety? 

Sheba. 
Where have you been, you naughty man ? 

The Dean. 
Before I answer a question, which, from a child 
to its parent, partakes of the unpardonable vice of 
curiosity, I demand an explanation of this disrep- 
utable document. [Reading.'] " Debtor to Lewis 
Isaacs, Costumier to the Queen." 

Salome and Sheba. 
Oh! 

[Sheba sits aghast on the table — Salome dis- 
tractedly falls on the floor. 

The Dean. 
I will not follow this legend in all its revolting 
intricacies. Suffice it, its moral is inculcated by the 
mournful total. Forty pounds, nineteen ! Imps of 
deceit! [Looking from one to the other.'] There was 
a ball at Durnstone last night. I know it. 

Sheba. 
Spare us ! 

Salome. 
You couldn't have been there, Papa ! 



150 bANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 

There ! I trust I was better — that is, otherwise 
employed. [Referring to the bill.'] Which of my hith- 
erto trusted daughters was a lady — no, I will say a 
person — of the period of the French Revolution ? 

[Sheba points to Salome. 

The Dean. 
And a flower-girl of an unknown epoch. [Salome 
points to Sheba.] To your respective rooms ! [ The 
girls cling together.] Let your blinds be drawn. At 
seven porridge will be brought to you. 



Salome. 
The Dean. 

Sheba. 
The Dean. 



Papa! 

Go! 

Papsey ! 

Go! 

Salome. 

Papa, we, poor girls as we are, can pay the bill. 

The Dean. 

You cannot — go ! 

Sheba. 
Through the kindness of our Aunt — 

Salome. 
We have won fifty pounds. 

The Dean. 

What! 

Sheba. 
At the Races ! 



DANDY DICK. 151 

The Dean. 

[Recoiling.'] You too ! You too drawn into the 
vortex ! Is there no conscience that is clear — is there 
no guilessness left in this house, with the possible ex- 
ception of my own ! 

Sheba. 

[Sobbing. ,] We always knew a little more than 
you gave us credit for, Papa. 

The Dean. 

[Handing Sheba the bill."] Take this horrid thing — 
never let it meet my eyes again. As for the scandal- 
ous costumes, they shall be raffled for in aid of local 
charities. Confidence, that precious pearl in the 
snug shell of domesticity, is at an encl between us. 
I chastise you both by permanently withholding 
from you the reason of my absence from home last 
night. Go ! 

[ The girls totter out as Sir Tristram enters quickly 
at the window, followed by Georgiana, carrying 
the basin containing the bolus. Sir Tristram 
has an opened letter in his hand. 

Sir Tristram. 
Good heavens, Jedd ! the analysis has arrived ! 

The Dean. 
I am absolutely indifferent ! 

Georgiana and Sir Tristram. 
Indifferent ! 

The Dean. 
[ To Georgiana.] How dare you confront me with- 
out even the semblance of a blush — you who have 



152 DANDY DICK. 

enabled my innocent babies, for the first time in 
their lives, to discharge one of their own accounts. 

Georgian a. 
There isn't a blush in our family — if there were, 
you'd want it. 

[Sheba and Salome appear outside the window, 
looking in. 

Sir Tristram. 
Jedd, you were once my friend, and you are to be 
my relative. 

The Dean. 
[Looking at Georgjana.] My sister ! [ To Sir Tris- 
tram.] I offer no opposition. 

Sir Tristram. 
Bnt not even our approaching family tie prevents 
my designating you as one of the most atrocious con- 
spirators known in the history of the Turf. 

The Dean. 
Conspirator ! 

Sir Tristram. 
As the owner of one-half of Dandy Dick, I de- 
nounce you ! 

GeOrgiana. 
As the owner of the other half, I denounce you ! 

The Dean. 
You ! 
Shet.a and Salome enter, and remain stand ine/ in the 
recess, listening. 



DANDY DICK. 153 

Sir Tristram. 
The chief ingredient of your infernal preparation 
is known. 

The Dean. 
It contains nothing that I would not cheerfully 
administer to my own children. 

Georgiana. 
[In horror'] Oh ! 

Sir Tristram. 
I believe you. [Pointing to the paper ^\ Strychnine ! 
Sixteen grains ! 

Salome and Sheba. 
[ Clinging to each other terrified."] Oh ! 

The Dean. 
Strychnine ! Summon my devoted servant Blore, 
in whose presence the innocuous mixture was com- 
pounded. [Georgian a rings the bell. The girls hide 
behind the window curtains.] This analysis is simply 
the pardonable result of over-enthusiasm on the part 
of our local chemist. 

Georgiana. 
You're a disgrace to the pretty little police station 
where you slept last night ! 

[Blore enters and stands unnoticed. 

The Dean. 

I will prove that in the Deanery Stables the com- 
mon laws of hospitality have never been transgressed. 
Give me the bowl! [Georgian, v hands Tub Dean 
the basin from the table.] A simple remedy for a chill. 



154 DANDY DICK. 

Georgiaxa and Sir Tristram. 
Strychnine — sixteen grains ! 

The Deax. 
I, myself, am suffering from the exposure of last 
night. [Taking the remaining bolus and opening his 
mouthJ] Observe me ! 

Blore. 
[Rushing forward, snatching the basin from The 
Dean and sinking on to his knees.] No, no! Don't, 

don't! You won kin' t 'ang the boldest servant in 
tbe Deanery. 

The Deax. 
Blore ! 

Blore. 
I did it ? T 'ad a honest fancy for Bonny Betsy, 
and I van ted this gentleman's 'orse out of the way. 
And while you was mixing the dose with the best 
ecclesiastical intentions, I hintrpduced a foreign ele- 
ment. 

The Deax. 
[Pulling Blore up by his coat collar.] Viper ! 

Blore. 

Oh sir, it was hall for the sake of the Dean. 

Sir Tristram. 

The Dean ? 

Blore. 

Tbe dear Dean had only Fifty Pounds to spare for 
sporting purposes, and I thought a gentleman of M- 
'igh standing ought to have a certainty. 



DANDY DICK. 155 

Sir Tristram. 
Jedd ! 

Georgiaxa. 
Augustin ! 

The Dean. 
I can conceal it no longer — I — I instructed this 
unworthy creature to back Dandy Dick on behalf of 
the Restoration Fund. 

Sir Tristram. 
[Shaking Bloke.] And didn't you do it? 

Bloke. 

No. 

The Deax. 

Why not ? In the name of that tottering Spire, 
why not ? 

Blore. 
Oh, sir, thinking as you'd given some of the mix- 
ture to Dandy I put your cheerful little offering on 
to Bonny Betsy. 

[Salome and Sheba disappear. 

The Dean. 
Oh ! [ To Blore.] I could have pardoned everything 
but this last act of disobedience. You are unworthy 
of the Deanery. Leave it for some ordinary house- 
hold. 

Blore. 
If I leave the Deanery, I shall give my reasons, 
and then what'll folks think of you and me in our 
old age? 

The Dean. 
You wouldn't spread this tale in St. Marvells ? 



150 DANDY DICK. 

Bloke. 

Not if sobv,r, sir — but suppose grief drove :ue to 
my cups ? 

The Deax. 
I must save you from intemperance at any cost. 
Remain in my service — a sad, sober and, above all, 
a silent man ! 

[Salome and Sheba appear as Blore goes 
out through the window. 

Salome. 
Papa ! 

The Deax. 
To your rooms ! I am distracted ! 

Salome. 
Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey ! 



The Deax. 
If you have sufficiently merged all sense of moral 
rectitude as to declare that I am not at home, do so. 

SlIEBA. 

No, no, Papa ; we have accidentally discovered 
that you, our parent, have stooped to deception, if 
not to crime. 

The Deax. 

[Staggering back. 2 Oh ! 

Sheba. 
We are still young — the sooner, therefore, we are 
removed from any unfortunate influence the better, 



DANDY DICK. 157 

Salome. 
We have an opportunity of beginning life afresh. 

Sheua. 
These two gallant gentlemen have proposed for us. 

The Dean. 
Then I am at home. Where are they ? 

\_He goes out rapidly, followed by Salome 
and Sheba. Directly they have disap- 
peared, Noah Topping, looking dishev- 
elled, rushes in at the window, with 
Hannah clinging to him. 

Noah. 
[Glaring round the room.~\ Is this 'ere the 
Deanery ? 

[Georgiana and Sir Tristram come to hini. 

Hannah. 

Noahry, Noah, come back ! 

Noah. 
Theer's been a man rescued from my lawful cus- 
tody while my face was unofficially held downwards 
in the mud. The villain has been traced back to the 
Deanery. 

Sir Tristram. 
Go away ! 

Hannah. 
Come away ! 

Noah. 
The man was a unknown lover of my nooly made 
wife ! 



i: DANDY DICK. 

Georgiana. 
You mustn't bring your domestic affairs here; 
this is a subject for your own fireside of an evening. 
[The Dean appears outside the window with 
Salome, Sheba, Tarver and Darbey. 

The Dean. 
[ Outside.] Come in, Major Tarver — come in, Mr. 
Darbey ! 

Noah. 
That's his voice ! 

The Dean enters, followed by Salome, Tarver, 
Sheba and Darbey. 

Noah. 
[ Confronting The Dean.] My man. 

Hannah. 

No, no, Noahry ! 

Georgiana. 
You're speaking to Dr. Jedd, the Dean of St. 
Marvell's. 

Noah. 
I'm speaking to the man I took last night — the 
culprit as 'as allynated the affections of my wife. 

Sir Tristram. 
Wait — one moment ! [ Going out at the window. 

[Salome and Tarver go into the Library and 
sit at the writing-table. Darbey sits in an 
arm-chair with Sheba on the arm. 



DANDY DICK. I&(J 

The Dean. 

[Mildly.'] Do not let us chide a man who is con- 
scientious even in error. [Looking at Hannah.] ( 
think I see Hannah Evans, once an excellent cook 
under this very roof. 

Hannah. 
I'm Mrs. Topping now, sir — bride o' the constable. 
And oh, do forgive him — he's a mass o' ignorance. 

Noah. 
Coom away ! 

[Hannah returns to Noah, as Sir Tristram 
re-enters with Hatcham. 

Sir Tristram. 
[ To Hatcham.] Hatcham — [pointing to The Dean] 
— Is that the man you and the Constable secured in 
the stable last night ? 

Hatcham. 
That, sir ! Bless your 'art, sir, that's the Dean 
'imself. 

Sir Tristram. 
That'll do. 

Hatcham. 
[To Noah.] Why, our man was a short, thin 
individual ! [Hatcham goes out at the window. 

The Dean. 
[ To Noah.] I trust you are perfectly satisfied. 

Noah. 
\Wiping his brow and looking puzzled.'] I'm doon. 



160 DANDY DICK. 

The Dean. 

Don't trouble further. I withdraw unreservedly 
any charge against this unknown person found on 
my premises last night. I attribute to him the most 
innocent intentions. Hannah, you and your worthy 
husband will stay and dine in my kitchen. Good 
afternoon. 

Noah. 
Is it a 'ot dinner ? 

The Dean. 
Hot — with ale. 

Noah. 
[Turning angrily to Hannah.] Now then, you 
don't know a real gentleman when you see one. 
Why don't 'ee thank the Dean warmly ? 

Hannah. 
[Kissing The Dean's hands with a curtsey.~\ 
Thank you, sir. 

The Deax. 
[Benignly.'] Go — go. I take a kindly interest in 
you both. [ T/tey back out, bowing and curtseying. 

Georgian a. 
Well, Gus, you're out of all your troubles. Are 
you happy ? 

The Dean. 
Happy! My family influence gone forever— my 
dignity crushed out of all recognition — the genial 
summer of the Deanery frosted by the winter of 
Deceit. 



DANDY DICK. 1(31 

Georgiana. 
Ah, Gus, when once you lay the whip about the 
withers of the horse called Deception he takes the 
bit between his teeth, and only the devil can stop 
him — and he'd rather not. Shall I tell you who has 
been riding the horse hardest? 

The Dean. 
Who? 

Georgiana. 
The Dean. 

The Dean. 
Georgiana ! I'm surprised at you. 

[Sheba sits at the piano and plays a bright 
air softly — Darbey standing behind 
her — Salome andTAP^VEii stand in the 
archivay. 

Georgiana. 
[Slapping The Dean on the back.'] Look here, 
Augustin, George Tidd will lend you that thousand 
for the poor, innocent old Spire. 

The Dean. 

[ Taking her hand.'] Oh, Georgiana ! 

Georgiana. 
On one condition — that you'll admit there's no 
harm in our laughing at a Sporting Dean. 

The Dean. 
No, no — I cannot allow it ! 

Georgiana. 
Tris ! My brother Gus doesn't want us to be merry 
at his expense. [ They both laugh, 

11 



162 DANDY DI« - 

The Dean. 

[ Trying to silence them.'] No, no! I forbid it! 
Hush i 

SlK TeISTBAM. 

Why, Jedd, there's no harm in laughter, for those 
who laugh or those who are laughed at. 

Georgian a. 
Provided always — firstly, that it is Folly that i^ 
laughed at and not Virtue ; secondly, that it is our 
friends who laugh at us, [to the audience'] as we hope 
they ail will, for our pains. 



THE END. 



DANDY DICK 



$, (ptty in Zfyxu fade 



ARTHUR PINERO 



il'THOR OF "SWEET LAVENDER, " "THE TIMES," "THE CABINET MINISTER, 
" LADY BOUNTIFUL," ETC. 



NEW YORK 

UNITED STATES BOOK COMPANY 

5 and 7 East Sixteenth Street 

Chicaco: 266 & 268 Wabash Ave. 



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* <fi> ^ Treatment Date: April 2009 

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A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

111 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 1 6066 
(724)779-2111 












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